How NOT to Write in Twelve Hard Steps*
May 13, 2023 by Bethlehem Writers Group in category Apples & Oranges by Marianne H. Donley tagged as coffee, humor, Marianne H Donley, Motivational, writing
All the members of Bethlehem Writers Group are fast at work on the 2023 Bethlehem Writer Roundtable Short Story Award. (Winners will be announced soon.) So we’re rerunning a column from 2017 on How Not to Write in Twelve Hard Steps. We hope you enjoy it.
This was going to be a blog about how to write with a day job.
Unfortunately, writing with a day job is incredibly easy. You simply keep writing material with you at all time. Paper and pencil work as well as an iPad. Then when you find a block of time (like I usually have to wait for that student who never shows up for a scheduled appointment or arriving hours early for my appointment because the 60 freeway is completely and inexplicably free from traffic) you write. After dishes are done and the family is watching reruns on TV, you write. When you awaken hours before the rest of the world, you write. I imagined my whole blog would be one word long:
Write.
That would be the world’s shortest blog. In addition, I suspected I would be preaching to the choir. People who write and have day jobs know this. Who else would care? Maybe, I should blog about something else. But what?
Inspiration struck while I wandered the local bookstore and sipping my venti café mocha I noticed a whole wall of thick serious books on how to write everything from baby picture books to novels to true-crime police procedurals. Stuck in the middle of all this writing information were two thin books on How NOT to Write.
Heck, not even Nora can want to write all day every day. I would have thought there would be a bit more information on how not to write. Constant writing must be some type of mental illness or at the very least a nasty bad habit. Surely, there must be tons of books on breaking such a habit. I looked. There wasn’t. Just two tiny little books all alone in the vast sea of heavy writing advice.
Clearly, not writing was a topic few writers were comfortable discussing. I’m pretty brave. I can handle controversy. I’ll write a blog on how not to write. I could come up with a set of rules. Break new ground. Give out sage advice.
So here it is:
How Not to Write in Twelve Hard Steps. *
1. Pay attention, this is important. Not writing is the hardest work you will ever do. It is not for the faint of heart. Not writing takes planning, dedication, and a tenacity that many writers lack. Don’t try it unless you have the necessary backbone.
2. To not write you must get up early in the morning. The perfect time is 4:30 A.M. but for you sleepy heads 5:00 A.M. will work as well. If you sleep until 8, half the day is gone and you may as well just waste the rest by writing.
3. To not write you must have a full pot of coffee. Dedicated non-writers program their coffee pots so they can start their day with a fresh cup as soon as they leap out of bed. I suspect that tea drinkers can’t help themselves and start writing as soon as the tea bag hits the trash can, so if you really want to not write break your tea drinking habit immediately.
4. To not write you must have an outfit. You can write in your PJs and no one will care. Not writing takes more style, especially if you want to avoid pointed questions about your mental health. Your outfit can’t just be jeans and a tee-shirt unless of course, you’re male. Females must have a complete, color-coordinated outfit with jewelry, makeup, and styled hair. For women, I strongly advise pantyhose and two-inch heels as well. For men, not shaving is NOT an option.
5. To not write you must have a clean office or not-writing space. If your space is messy and cluttered, then you must take the time to make it tidy. Organizing it would be even better. I recommend categorizing all the bookshelves in your house by subject and author. Should you use the kitchen as your office, alphabetizing your spice rack while you’re at it is always an excellent idea. It wouldn’t hurt to get some of those cute little bins for all your rubber bands and paper clips. You should also consider sharpening all your pencils and testing all your pens to see if they still work. However, cleaning the bathroom or doing laundry is a bit excessive. Should you find yourself contemplating such work, just give up and write. Let’s face it if you’re going to work that hard you may as well get some recognition for it. Completing your manuscript and sending it out will, at the very least, get you an RWA Pro pin and a round of applause at the next chapter meeting. Only your mother will notice whether or not you clean the bathroom.
6. To not write you must play computer solitaire until you win. None of that two-game only nonsense; this takes a real commitment. You must win. Four Suit Spider Solitaire is an excellent choice for those truly dedicated to not writing. Less adventuresome types can try the Two Suit version or Free Cell. However, should you select One Suit Spider and not win in 30 seconds or less, well, just don’t tell me. I firmly believe everyone I know is smart enough to get an advanced degree in rocket science if only they had the time. Shattering my world view like that is just plain cruel.
7. To not write you must build into your schedule time for physical exercise. As I mentioned above, not writing is hard work. Drinking coffee, while playing Free Cell, in your spanking clean office, and keeping your outfit stylish is quite emotionally draining. If you are not careful you could actually get bored and open up your WIP. Your whole day of not writing will be shot to heck. Walking around the block, especially if you live on a steep hill should help.
8. To not write, I must caution you, taking two dogs for a walk as your scheduled physical activity will invariably set you right back on the writing path. How you may ask? Two dogs are not going to agree on speed, direction, or when to leave odorous land mines for you to pick up. This lack of coordination on their part will provide comic relief at your expense for your neighbors. If one of them says something like, “Martha, ya got to come see this” while you, of course, are in the middle of the street, tangled up in dog leashes attached to a white dog going North and a black dog going South, juggling three baggies of land mines, a pouch of special doggie treats, the training clicker that supposed to help train the dogs, but actually makes the black dog cry and the white dog sit until he gets to eat all the treats. Well, can plotting this neighbor’s death be far behind? If he’s going to die, you’re going to have to think of a better reason then laughing at you to kill him. Then you’re going to need several characters who also want him dead for equally good reasons, and finally, the proper sleuth and her love interest will just pop right into your head. The next thing you know a whole series will be in the planning stages and you won’t be able to not write for months.
9. To not write you must have a not writing buddy or sponsor. This buddy is someone you can call any time of the day or night whenever that uncontrollable urge to break out Chapter Four and fix it threatens. Your mother or sisters cannot be your not writing buddy. This is considered cheating as it is much too easy to get them chatting and waste valuable not writing time. No, your buddy must be trustworthy and kind and also dedicated to not writing. She must intuitively know when not to ask how you worked out that problem you accidentally but cleverly wrote into Chapter Eight. She should NEVER tell you she’s finished her WIP. She should always know when to invite you to Starbucks for venti mochas or to Nordstrom’s for a good day of shoe shopping. Shoe shopping is, by the way, the only shopping for which you can indulge without guilt.
10. All not writing writers should know that guilt free shoe shopping is a rule. I think it was left over from the Regan administration. Subversive media types, probably male, tried to kill this rule with cruel stories featuring Imelda Marcos and her shoe closet. (Can you imagine the press if she has attended a public event wearing pre-worn shoes? The press coverage would have rivaled the media frenzy surrounding a certain female prosecutor and her new hair cut.) More sensible wisdom prevailed and shoes are officially guilt free. I must point out that as a corollary to this rule, any other type of shopping is not only riddled with real stomach turning guilt, and it requires an actual paycheck. This will naturally require you finish that book, not a good situation for your not writing goals.
11. To not write you should avoid the Internet like the plague, especially emails. Some people think the Internet is the perfect not writing tool. They are sadly mistaken. Consider, if you will, the simple task of checking your emails. You are going to get them from your weak-willed friends who are writing. Those people are unfortunately smart. Good writing ideas follow them around like ants at a picnic and they SHARE. Read one email and you’re going to get enough ideas to keep you writing for the rest of your natural life and that of your youngest child’s. You’ll have to make a pack with the devil just to finish. Really, do you want to risk your immortal soul just for email? And if that wasn’t bad enough, they’ll answer your emails by says, “Gee that idea would make a great (pick one) book, novel, short story, article, online class, workshop.”
12. To not write you should also drop out of all your critiques groups. (See above for the primary reason.) Secondary reason: Every conversation will start with, “So how’s the writing?” You’ll feel guilty. You’ll write. That clever accident in Chapter Eight, they’ll not only fix it, they’ll give you enough material for three sequels, two novellas, and cookbook. You’ll feel guilty. You’ll write.
*This was originally titled Twelve Easy Steps, but someone recently complained that I say everything is easy. She pointed out that if I would just say things were hard she would feel heaps better when she figured out how the heck to do it. When I tell her it’s easy, she gets no sense of accomplishment. Heaven knows I want people to have a real sense of accomplishment when not writing.
Marianne H. Donley makes her home in Pennyslvania with her husband and son. She is a member of Bethlehem Writers Group and Sisters in Crime. When Marianne is NOT not writing, she might be writing short stories, funny romances or quirky murder mysteries, but this could be a rumor.
Books from Bethlehem Writers Group
The Brand Challenge; Adding Book Pages To Your Website
May 12, 2023 by Denise M. Colby in category The Writing Journey by Denise Colby tagged as Denise M. Colby, Marketing for Authors, The Brand Challenge, website marketingI talked about a brand challenge a few months back to encourage you to try something new on your website to help you build content and SEO to support your brand. In this post I’m going to dive deeper with my suggestion to add book pages to your website.
First, were you able to do anything on the list from the first brand challenge? I’d love to hear about it. Let me know in the comments below.
Whether you did or did not, let’s try again!
It doesn’t have to be a lot of something, just one thing. Sort of like taking a small bite of the elephant. You don’t need to eat the entire elephant at one time. Many successful websites were not built in one month. They started somewhere first. Then changed or added pages or content later.
Last post, I gave generalized ideas, including adding book pages on your website. For this post, I’m going to expand on this idea.
What type of book pages do you have on your website?
Similar to a blog post, having a page that is focused on one main idea, allows you to use it as a link in other content. This isn’t usually something we think about when building our website pages. Deep linking is adding links that direct the reader to a specific page, not just the front page of your website. The faster they click to the content they want, the happier they will be.
Ideas for pages on your website include a series book page and individual book pages on each book you publish. You can add where to buy for that specific book on the page, but there’s so much other content that can be connected to these pages.
Where to deep-link your book and series pages for brand building
Create a social media post or a blog post on any of the content below and include a direct link to the book or series page it represents.
- Make your characters come alive by talking about them outside of the story.
- Blog post or social media posts about the animals in your book (I have a rooster named Bert)
- Blog post or social media posts for your characters occupation
- Blog post or social media posts for the area or location in your stories (the one-room schoolhouse that was the inspiration to my story)
You can also add some of this content onto the book page itself to give additional context for your readers who choose to want to know more. It’s a way to connect with your readers or potential readers besides just the book.
Another option is to share research gathered for your stories. This could include research you weren’t able to add to your book but you’d like to share. Such when I learned about the first school-teacher who was trained from the school my heroine came from. So I wrote a blog post titled Harriet Bishop, First Public School Teacher in 1847
Frequent small steps add up over time
I know branding and dealing with your website can be challenging, I hope some of these ideas spark something for you to work with. Remember, your content doesn’t have to be perfect. It can even be something you decide to change later on.
I encourage you to do one thing on this list above to help build your brand. It may not seem much. It may seem overwhelming, or underwhelming. But if you do one thing this month, and then another thing next month. Pretty soon, you’ll have many months of blog posts and content that you didn’t have before.
Sometimes we feel this urgency to hurry up that adds extra stress we don’t need as we are busy writing our next book. I’m hoping these ideas help propel you forward in your Author career.
The Real Truth behind my upcoming Paris WW2 novel ‘SISTERS AT WAR’ by Jina Bacarr
May 11, 2023 by Jina Bacarr in category Jina’s Book Chat, Writing tagged as #MeTooI never would have predicted when I sent my editor my latest novel SISTERS AT WAR on Tuesday (my heroine is a victim of sexual violence in Paris during WW2), that fellow writer E. Jean Carroll would win her sexual abuse and defamation case in Federal Court on the same day.
Bravo to E. Jean for her courage and fortitude in pursuing justice for women everywhere. I remember when we crossed paths back in the day. She was vivacious, charming, and gracious, taking time to give advice to this young writer. (I saved her business card… I’ve got it somewhere.)
And in our writing careers, we both faced unwanted sexual advances from men in power.
Let me explain.
I’ve had several experiences that formed me as a young woman… unfortunately, some were unpleasant sexual encounters and like so many women of my generation, I kept silent.
Until now.
What happened to me formed the character of my heroine in SISTERS AT WAR who is raped and assaulted by an SS officer and the effect it has on her and her sister. Guilt, damage to her self-esteem, loss of confidence, and a rift between the two sisters when she believes her to be a collaborator. I’ve done some hard thinking about whether or not to discuss the events in my life that still give me chills. To give credence to my heroine, I feel I owe it to my readers to let them know I speak from experience.
In this first post, we’ll go back in time to my early writing days. I had a few breaks in the biz and wrote scripts for various shows from children’s to daytime TV and dialogue for primetime TV. I worked with some great male writers who respected me… and my work. I have forty-three TV and cable writing credits. And three produced one-act plays in Malibu.
Then I interviewed for my dream job: assistant producer. I went for the interview and it went well… until the company executive groped my breasts. I was shocked. I ran straight to the agent who sent me for the interview and told her what happened. The agent told me to ignore it and take the job. (This was before the ‘Me Too’ movement.’
Oh, my…
I said no. Then the exec called me and to his credit, he apologized and offered me the job, assuring me it wouldn’t happen a second time. Still, I didn’t feel good about the situation, that my worth as a woman and as a writer was devalued.
Again, I said no.
To this day, I wonder what would have happened if I’d ‘looked the other way’ and taken the job, but I couldn’t live with myself if I did. In the end, I walked away with my dignity intact.
And that’s more important to me than any showbiz ‘break’.
In the months leading up to the September 25th release date of SISTERS AT WAR, I will discuss sexual assault encounters that I experienced in Paris, Italy, and Copenhagen… and a two-part account about the night I was kidnapped and assaulted when I was in graduate school.
Yes, the details remain vivid. Because you don’t forget.
Thank you for listening.
Jina
Catching up
May 10, 2023 by Tari Jewett in category Charmed Writer by Tari Lynn Jewett, Writing tagged as catching upYou may have noticed…or not, that I’ve been somewhat absent this year. It’s been a year of dramatic change, which isn’t over yet, and we’re now ten months into our year of Milo. Milo being our two-year-old grandson, that we unexpectedly stayed in California to spend time with. You should know that every time I say his name, or write it, I smile. Yes, I’m smiling now.
I thought I’d get at least some writing done this year, you know, in the early morning hours, or maybe late at night, like I did when our three boys were young, but it hasn’t worked like. Well, I did write one short story #DumpsterFireLove, while recovering from my tummy tuck (yes, I did this) in October, and Love & Mud Puddles, a Christmas romcom, was released in November, but beyond that, while my intentions were good, these months have truly been all about Milo (smiling). And nothing could have made me happier.
And nothing could have been better for me!
Writer’s can’t just sit behind their desk conjuring words out of thin air, we have to experience life in order to write about it. Spending time with a toddler again, seeing his sense of wonder at every new thing…which is nearly everything, because, well, he’s two, has brought back my own sense of wonder. His joy when he sees purple flowers, a big yellow school bus, or a pinecone has reminded me to see the things that are right in front of me, and his little arms around my neck, nose kisses, and sweet pats on the back have softened my heart, and reminded me what the world should be. What I want it to be for him.
I’ve had new experiences apart from Milo (smiling). Preparing for a move to what feels like a whole new world, the Arizona desert, a personal transformation that is not yet complete, and a year of living in an apartment…which I had only done for one year previously, the year I was eighteen.
My last day taking care of Milo, at least regularly, will be May 25th. I’ll be having one more surgery, (two knee replacements and a tummy tuck over the last 3 years so far) one I’ve wanted for a long time, then after recovery, Hunky Hubby will be retiring, and we’ll be off to Arizona where I’ll be settling into a new life, writing, and living for video chats and occasional visits with Milo (teary eyed smiling).
What will I be writing? I plan on finishing…at long last…my 1920’s novel, and maybe writing a little Route 66 romcom series. In the meantime, I’m treasuring these last days with Milo, purple flowers and pinecones (we collect them).
Would love to catch up with all of you! What have I missed this year? Tell me in the comments…or message me!
What Do I Do with AI? by Kitty Bucholtz
May 9, 2023 by Kitty Bucholtz in category It's Worth It by Kitty Bucholtz, Writing tagged as artificial intelligence, brainstorming, Kitty Bucholtz, poetry, songs, writing tools
Artificial Intelligence (AI) has been on our radar for years, and on our fiction radar for decades. But since OpenAI opened its doors for anyone and everyone to try out ChatGPT six months ago, it seems AI has exploded across the world and across industries.
If you haven’t played with it yet, you might be wondering — what can an author do with it anyway? (Besides ask it to write a book for you, which would actually take about as much work as writing it yourself to come up with something really good and not generic-sounding.) Turns out, there are lots of things.
- Back cover copy — My husband’s first book just released (yay!) and he used ChatGPT to help him write better back cover copy. He entered what he’d written himself and then asked for help to make it stronger.
- Your book description on the sales page — Same guy, same book. He then asked the AI to read the book descriptions of a couple competitive authors on Amazon and rewrite his book description to sound more like the ones on those sales pages.
- Brainstorming plot holes and writer’s block — I used ChatGPT to find out what a lawyer (the hero in my current chick lit) might do in this or that situation. I asked it to give me three ideas of what might happen after this or that event. I asked it for ten more ideas, then I asked for more details on one of them. Suddenly, my block was gone and I knew what I wanted to write next.
- Fictional poetry or song lyrics — Since we can’t legally use more than a small number of words in poetry and songs (it’s easier for me to just say “we can’t use it” and be done with it), what can you do if you’re not a poet? Give ChatGPT some guidelines and ask it to write x lines of poetry for you in this or that style. Voila!
- Actual poetry to give to someone — Say, in your spouse’s anniversary card! John and I just celebrated our 33rd wedding anniversary a few days ago and I was gobsmacked at the short but lovely poem he’d written inside. I asked him if he’d written it or just found someone’s poem and written it in. When he paused, not answering either way, I started laughing. “Did you use ChatGPT?!” He looked away, trying to hide a smile. “Maybe a little. But then *I* made it better!”
The free version of ChatGPT can do a lot, but don’t expect it to “get it right” on the first try. You need to understand how to ask it questions to get the best answers. And you need to know enough about the topic to know when it got something a little (or a lot) wrong, or when its answer is just too generic to be useful. The newer paid version is already miles ahead of the free one, but you still need to understand how to ask your questions.
I’m going to be showing my group coaching clients how to use the free ChatGPT for brainstorming, how it’s different from “Googling” something, and the specific and helpful ways it can make your writing life easier. And more fun!
If you’ve used it, what do you feel it has done well or poorly? If you haven’t used it, what makes you want to try it or makes you shy away from it?
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