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The Shopping Gene

December 15, 2008 by in category Java Plots by marianne h donley tagged as ,

By Marianne Donley

I don’t have The Shopping Gene.

I hate shopping.

Honestly.

I would rather iron wrinkled cotton pleated skirts.

I would rather have a tooth pulled without drugs.

All right. All right.

I would rather clean bathrooms than go shopping. Considering I live with men who think “close” counts in other things beside horseshoes and grenades, two toddlers who LOVE unrolling and splashing, and a dog who thinks bathroom rugs are alive and must stalked and then shaken bald for the safety of the family and good of all mankind, that’s saying a lot.

I know this is a character flaw because when I confessed to my Great-Aunt Alice she gasped, loud. Then she took my right hand in both of hers and said, “Marianne, you are not a Hebert.” Which in our family was akin to condemning someone to eternal damnation. In-laws in the Hebert family are “jokingly” referred to as out-laws, and we even made up tee-shirts that said so for the family reunion.

It didn’t escape my notice that this was only considered a female character flaw and not a male one. I can’t remember seeing my dad or one of my three brothers in a store. I’m pretty sure the words, “I’m going shopping.” have never been utter by any of them. None of them were told they weren’t Heberts.

My three sisters however are a different story. They love shopping. They plan shopping excursions with the cunning second only to Hannibal’s army scaling the Alps on the back of elephants. And they bring home spoils of the war. They expect me to admire their prowess at finding the last puce handbag at thirty percent off. They assure me that will go with the sweater they scored last year. I try to be suitably admiring, but I just don’t get it. I have four hand bags, a gold beaded job for wedding and things, a black one for winter, a white one for summer, and a red tote that the Alpha Smart will fit into for conference. I can’t imagine wanting a puce one, or using it either.

Occasionally they will invite me to go alone on their shopping safaris. It took me a while to realize that the occasions always coincided with Christmas and packed parking lots.

Not to brag or anything, but I excel at Competitive Parking. I honed my skills as a undergraduate at Cal Poly, where the administration sold a billion (more or less) parking passes for each and every marked parking space. If some little blonde coed communication major, with a belly button ring, a red Mazda Miata, and a giant boyfriend to carry her one paperback text book thought she was getting MY parking space when I had a thirty pound calculus book, a forty pound chemistry book and the entire works of Shakespear and ten seconds to get to class –well all I can say is HA! I can still spot a car backing out of a space close to the front of a building 8.3 miles away. I will get there first.

But once I parked the car for them, I was quickly abandoned at the nearest Nordstrom’s with a cup of coffee, a thick paperback and the instructions not to wander too close to the shoe section, because everyone knows buy shoes is NOT really shopping and my closet is sort of full. (Okay, so the sentence, “You can’t buy another pair of shoes unless you throw out a pair first.” has been spoken a time or two at my house. I just think the person saying that should fork over his closet as well because those three pairs of shoes and the flip-flops he owns are lonely.)

My sisters even buy their own gas. I can’t figure out why they don’t have gas fairies living at their houses, but they don’t. It’s sad. Gas fairies are pretty handy. When I need gas I just sort of casually mention it during dinner. Then the next morning “magic” my car has a full tank of gas. The gas fairy sometime grouses about the fact the tank was a third full when this conversation usually takes place. Excuse me, a third full is the same as saying two-thirds empty which means that tank is more empty than it is full.

None of my children inherited the shopping gene. My daughter, Steph, didn’t carry a handbag until she was twenty-five. She even pales at the mention of new shoes. She borrowed my car one time but immediately brought it back because it was making this weird pinging noise. The gas fairy had to explain it was the car signaling it need gas. (Who knew?)

But her daughter, Maddie, who is only two years old, loves shopping.

Steph, Maddie and I do video conferences a few times a week. When I ask Maddie what she’s going to do that day, she always makes her eyes go wide and squeals, “Shopping.”

Then she runs around in circles clapping her hands.

It’s a little scary.

Steph looks at Maddie running in circles and says, “That is NOT my fault.”

Mine either.

But we know who to blame.

Maddie got more than her big blue eyes from the gas fairy.

Marianne Donley writes quirky murder mysteries fueled by her life as a mom and a teacher. She makes her home in Pennsylvania with her supportive husband Dennis and two loveable but bad dogs. Her grown children have respectfully asked her to use a pen name which she declined on the grounds that even if some of their more colorful misdeeds make it into her plots, who would know the books are fiction. Besides they weren’t exactly worried about publicly humiliating her while growing up.

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Bond…James Bond.

December 13, 2008 by in category Archives tagged as ,

By Bobbie Cimo

It’s easy to tell that I’m a James Bond freak. Not only does my E-mail address have 007 in it and my mouse pad has Sean Connery’s picture on it, but my screen saver at work flashes different Bond imagery across it. But I’m not just a James Bond fan, I’m a Sean Connery, James Bond fan. You know the type who thinks there’s only one Bond.

At my Artist Way Class a few weeks back, we were asked to write down five of our favorite movies and give a line or two on what each movie was about or why we liked it. On my list was “From Russia With Love”, but when it came to telling why I picked it, I had to be honest with my classmates. I only went to see him (Sean Connery) and it took me five times to figure out what the plot was about. I have since seen it many more times, and I still don’t care about the plot.

I like Roger Moore, but not as James Bond. In my eyes, he’ll always be Simon Templar, TV’s version of “The Saint”. Just as Pierce Brosnan will always be Remington Steele to me.

In between, there were a few other Bonds. One being George Lazenby, who played in “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service.” I would loved to have seen Sean Connery do the part, as it was the only movie where Bond falls in love and gets married. But instead it went to Lazenby, who had thought that by making a Bond flick, it would lead him to more lucrative movie deals. So he quit after only one Bond movie. The parts never came his way and rumor had it he gambled away all the earnings he made from his 007 flick, even before the movie was released.

Also playing the fictional character was Timothy Dalton, who I basically remembered from playing in a bad mini-series, called “Scarlett”, which was suppose to be the sequel to “Gone With The Wind”. However, he did play a more serious Bond than others, but because I associated him with the mini-series, I could never think of him as 007.

Just for the record, I do find Daniel Craig to be the second best Bond there is. He might not be a Sean Connery, but he does a terrific job of it. By the way, his favorite Bond is Connery, too.

I have seen Roger Moore a few times in person, and once I even got to see Sean Connery, himself. I was backstage and he was standing alone, a few feet away from me. But I found myself unable to approach him. I just remember his arched eyebrows and how they framed those magnificent eyes of his. And I’m not ashamed to say, when his eyes met mine, inwardly, I melted.

It took me a long time to realize why I didn’t take the opportunity to go up to him and tell him how much I had enjoyed his work. The truth of the matter is I think I was afraid that he might not measure up to my expectation, not only as James Bond, but as Sean Connery. And perhaps some things are best left unknown.

Less than a decade ago, I was a smoker. I have since given up the habit; but at the time, I could have easily stepped out of my office onto the rooftop of CBS for a cigarette. Unfortunately, it was a bad way to meet a lot of interesting people.

One wintry evening, while at work, I found myself in need of a smoke, so I stepped out into the darkness. Since it was raining, I had no choice but to huddle against the outside glass wall of my office so I could stand beneath the narrow awning that was protecting me from the rain. Suddenly, what seemed to be from out of nowhere, appeared a tall, dark stranger dressed all in black, wearing a turtle neck sweater. As he took a puff of his cigarette, he struck up a conversation with me. I could see from the spray of light coming from my office, behind us, that his eyes were blue. His chiseled features, along with his cleft chin, gave him a rugged appearance. And when he spoke, it was with a charming British accent, so no matter what he had to say, it sounded wonderful. It was Timothy Dalton.

We talked about our mutual bad smoking habit– the pride he had in his son– and the weather differences between London and California. Over a second cigarette, we laughed and talked some more, until he was told that he was needed on stage, whereas I went back into my office, pleasantly surprised to learn what a nice man he was. He might not know it, but that night he earned himself a new fan. And as I sat back at my desk, something dawned on me. It might not have been Sean Connery, but I had been outside, into the night and out in the rain, smoking a cigarette with Bond…James Bond. How cool was that?

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How Saint Nick helped me put together my “Holiday Poem” Video Podcast

December 11, 2008 by in category Archives tagged as

by Jina Bacarr

I feel the holiday spirit in the air. Cold, windy days here at the beach. The smell of pine and cinnamon wafting in the supermarket. The sparkle of red and blue and green holiday lights evoking a warm, cheery feeling inside me down to my toes.


“Saint Nick, Cleopatra and me”

I also have a lot of writing to do. A lot. I just finished my author edits for my next Spice, Cleopatra’s Perfume (“One whiff and every man was her slave…”) and I’m working on a new Spice as well as another project, both that require an immense amount of research. I’m not complaining. I’ve worked years to get to this point in my writing and every day when I sit down at my computer, I give thanks for all I have.

Yet this holiday season I won’t be able to make the OCC/RWA December meeting and see everyone and share holiday cheer. My deadlines are just too close and there’s so much writing to be done.

What does this have to do with podcasting?

When I was in the midst of recording my audio podcast for the December 13th meeting, I was also in the middle of doing author edits for my 460 page manuscript. I began to think “What if Saint Nick could do these edits for me…”

I was so inspired by that idea that in minutes I’d written my holiday poem and decided to record it. I posted the audio recording here on our blog page and I also put together a video podcast using pictures from previous podcasts I’ve done on various subjects.

The result is my Holiday Poem video about Saint Nick, Cleopatra and me. I hope you enjoy it. And you never know, Saint Nick might log in on your computer and help you with your writing…

Best,
Jina

Jina’s Podcast Tip:

You can use video editing software to make a fun, creative video with photos you’ve taken yourself or purchased from sites like istockphoto.com. Then add a voiceover, sweeten it with podsafe music, transitions, special effects, etc.

I used Power Director 7 from Cyberlink.com to make this video and had fun adding interesting holiday effects. This latest version from Cyberlink is a 2008 PC Magazine Editors’ Choice.

Jina Bacarr is the author of The Blonde Geisha , Naughty Paris, Tokyo Rendezvous, a Spice Brief, and Spies, Lies & Naked Thighs, featuring a female Indiana Jones.

Coming in April 2009:

Cleopatra’s Perfume

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It’s Worth It

December 9, 2008 by in category Archives tagged as

BE STRONG AND COURAGEOUS

by Kitty Bucholtz

I was talking to a writing friend yesterday who said she is tired of trying to write around what she hears the market wants, the agents want, the editors want. In these economic times, everyone would have us believe our efforts will be even harder to sell than ever before. But she’s done with worrying about it.

Why? Because she believes God’s plan for her life can’t be circumvented by an economic shift, or a change in publishing house staff, or a tightening of an agent’s client list. So what does she believe in? Following her heart, and pouring all her joy and honesty and passion into whatever story most grips her imagination, and believing that God’s power to work his plan in her life – whatever that is, publishing or not – is stronger than any other power on earth.

This conversation stayed with me because I’d been thinking along the same lines. This morning I was talking to God about the fact that I’m 40, for goodness’ sake, and how long was this going to take anyway? Then I remembered that the Israelites wandered around in the desert for 40 years asking the same question – how long? – until a young man named Joshua went scouting in the Promised Land. He and his co-spy came back to tell Moses and the rest of the millions of Israelites that even with all the enemies they’d have to defeat, it would be worth the trip.

Eventually Joshua did lead them over the river (even though people taunted him and accused him of leading them all to their deaths!) and it was worth the trip. But it wasn’t easy. I re-read some of the story of Joshua this morning and realized that nowhere in the Bible that I can remember did God say, “Be strong and courageous” and “do not be terrified” as much as he did when he sent his children into the Promised Land. The Promised Land, for goodness’ sake. And all those people were so afraid.

Just like us.

If there is a God who can miraculously place himself into a little baby human being, then allow himself to die with all the punishment of all the people who ever will live on his back, then raise himself from the dead and defeat death for all people for all time… Well, if there is a God who has that kind of power, then it’s irrational for me to believe that he can’t use my life for good in this world. He must have the power to make whatever good plans he has for my life to come to fruition. Regardless of whether the circumstances seem to suggest otherwise.

I’m doing my best to write stories for the sake of bringing more goodness into the world. I believe that is God’s plan for my work life, and I believe he will make that plan work out perfectly by the time I die, regardless of how much gets published. It’s hard because I see the battles ahead and I don’t know how to fight them, let alone how to be victorious. But if God really does have a plan for me, then…

it’s worth it.


Kitty Bucholtz is a co-founder of Routines For Writers, a new web site to help writers write more. She writes light urban fantasy novels with a romantic comedy spin – and loves every minute of it! Even though she loves talking about, writing about, and teaching about writing, she’s pretty sure she knows at least three people who aren’t writers.

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Jolly Holiday Reads

December 8, 2008 by in category Archives

Okay, I am starting to stockpile books for my Christmas reading, and I want to know your recommendations. I’ll tell you mine if you’ll tell me yours… 🙂

Today I ordered Seize the Fire, by Laura Kinsale. Apparently it’s a re-release of one of her older books. I don’t read many historical books, but Kinsale is right up there on my must-have list. This one has a wonderful hero, apparently…

I have a couple of Harlequin NASCAR romances that arrived recently – Risky Moves, by Gina Wilkins, and Running on Empty, by Ken Casper. I’m looking forward to relaxing with those.

Plus two books by Susan Wiggs, whom I haven’t read before. Yes, I know, everyone has read Susan Wiggs. Everyone except me. But not for much longer. I have The You I Never Knew, and Passing Through Paradise, right here beside me. Any Wiggs fans out there care to share if these are among your favorite titles?

Or just let me know what you plan to read this month.
Wishing you and your family all the best for a wonderful Christmas
Abby

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