Do you guys ever have one of those days where your muse isn’t cooperating? This blog is a parody I wrote about that frustrating feeling a while back for another blog. It’s from a police detective’s POV.
Missing Muse Report
12, May 2008
Description: Slippery and Sneaky
Status: No Freaking Idea
Monday morning, at eight oh four a.m., a woman came into the precinct. She wore jeans and a t-shirt with the words, “I Kill for Chocolate,” written across her chest. In a clearly agitated state, she reported that her Muse is missing.
“When was the last time you saw her?” I inquired.
“Never. I’ve never seen that hussy. She’s like…smoke. Well not smoke because that would suggest fire. And trust me, I have not been on fire. So she’s like fog, except not fog. Fog is not the right word to describe her. Dry ice? Still not the right word to describe her. Okay, uh, let me think. Do you have a thesaurus?”
Feeling a headache coming on, I said, “Let’s skip the description. What is your relationship to Muse?”
“Hot and cold. No, too bland. Fire and ice? Friend and foe? No! No more clichés! My relationship to Muse is complicated. Like a cat! Yes, she’s sort of like a cat, friendly and sweet sometimes, then aloof and bitchy other times. Like a cat.
I realized I was bobbing my head back and forth like I was watching a tennis match. I tried to recap what the woman had said, “Muse is a cat? Ma’am, this is a police station. We don’t look for missing cats.”
“My Muse is not a cat! Where would you get such an idea? I said she’s like a cat. That’s a metaphor. Well I said like, so it’s actually a simile. But not a cat.”
I turned to look at the woman fidgeting on the chair facing my desk. “Have you been drinking?”
“Sure. Absolutely. I’ve tried it all. Wine, gin tonics, coffee and Kaluha, I still can’t find Muse! This morning, I woke up at 3. AM!!! I meditated. I did Yoga. I lit candles. I asked my Higher Self for guidance. I downed two pots of coffee! And I still can’t find that sneaky, double-crossing, word-tease, idea-slut, anywhere!”
I had had enough. “Let me get this straight. You are reporting Muse missing, but you can’t describe her, have never seen her and you look for her by doing Yoga, lighting candles and drinking coffee?”
“Yes! Exactly!”
“Ma’am you do realize this is a police station? That it’s a crime to make a false report?”
Her blue eyes lit up, she sat forward and put her arm on my desk. “Do you get a lot of false reports? I mean what kind of person makes a false report?”
He opened his mouth, “Well—”
“A desperate person, maybe a woman who can’t tell the truth, but…” she stood up. “Thank you!”
“Uh, for what?”
She frowned, her blue eyes studying him as if he were a little dim. “Haven’t you been listening? I lost my Muse. Now I found her. You people do good work. Later.”
I watched her bounce out as if she were twenty pounds lighter. “What just happened?”
Jennifer Lyon always wanted to be a witch. When her witch-powers didn’t materialize, she turned to creating magic in her books. BLOOD MAGIC is the first book in an enchanting, passionate and supernatural series. Visit Jennifer Lyon at www.jenniferlyonbooks.com
by Shauna Roberts
http://ShaunaRoberts.blogspot.com
Today’s Guest: Trish Milburn
Trish Milburn is an eight-time Golden Heart finalist and two-time winner—once for Romantic Suspense and once for Young Adult. She writes YA as Tricia Mills for Razorbill (Heartbreak River, April 2009) and contemporary romance under her real name for Harlequin American (Her Very Own Family, May 2009). She is a former magazine editor and still puts those editorial skills to use as a freelance copy editor and writer. She has her own blog and is a regular contributor to the Wet Noodle Posse, Romance Bandits, Supernatural, and Harlequin American group blogs.
In what little spare time she has, she enjoys reading, traveling, watching TV and movies, and hiking.
Trish, if you could travel back in time to before you were first published, what advice would you give yourself?
1. Do not take rejections personally. There were so many times, particularly early on, where they felt personal when they weren’t. I could have saved myself a lot of tears and hurt feelings if I’d had a tougher skin from the beginning.
2. Related to No. 1: Remember, this is a business. Sure, we deal with creative works and we get emotionally invested in our books, but we can’t lose sight of the fact that those books are, in fact, products that we want the publishing companies to take a chance on selling. All our decisions should at some level be made through the prism of good business sense.
3. I live this one, but I think it’s important for all new writers to remember that old saying, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” Publishing might seem like a big world, but it really isn’t. Editors become agents; agents change agencies; other writers cross your path. Trust me, if you say something negative about an agent, editor, publishing house, or fellow writer, it’ll come back and bite you. I’ve unfortunately seen it happen to people.
4. Constantly learn. Read writing how-to books (but don’t necessarily absorb them as gospel), other books in the subgenre you want to write, novels in other genres (I like mysteries), nonfiction books, and magazine articles. You never know where inspiration will strike, and all this varied reading opens up your mind to so many possibilities about plots, characters, and writing styles.
5. Try lots of different subgenres or styles of writing to see which one fits you best. You may discover you like and are good at more than one. I like the freedom of going back and forth between writing my Harlequin American romances and my teen novels.
6. Support fellow writers, whether by buying their books, attending their book signings, giving them publicity on your blog, talking their work up to friends and family, or other means. I believe when you help others, good karma comes your way. Everyone benefits.
7. Jealousy has no place in your life. Don’t compare yourself with another writer, particularly one who started out about the same time you did and seems to be having more success. That way lies madness. Each writer’s journey is different. It took me eleven years to sell, and though it was hard to keep going at times, I believe I learned so much more and now appreciate the wonder of selling books more because it took me so long.
8. Even after you sell, don’t stop appreciating every single positive—each new book sale, each fan letter, each positive review. I just saw an interview with John Grisham on BookTV, and he said that he didn’t ever want to take any of his success for granted. I feel the same way.
✥✥✥✥✥
To learn more about Trish, please visit her Web page at http://www.trishmilburn.com or her blog at http://www.trishmilburn.com/blog/. You can purchase her April young adult release, Heartbreak River by Tricia Mills (Razorbill), and her May release, Her Very Own Family (Harlequin American), at your local bookstore as well as online. Click on your favorite online bookstore below to go directly to the purchase page.
Heartbreak River by Tricia Mills: Amazon.com, Barnes & Noble, Borders
Her Very Own Family by Trish Milburn: Amazon.com, Barnes & Noble, Borders
One of my favorite authors came out with a new book recently, and I checked on Amazon for how I could have missed the book when it first came out. For grins, I read through the reviews. Seems some people didn’t like the book, and don’t like this author’s current philosophies. Many readers felt the character’s relationships were completely incorrect. Reams of electrons were spent on criticizing or defending the book’s plot, the author’s reaction to some things said about the book, and the perception of some of the readers as to the author’s reaction. I found myself amused and appalled. An artist – be it author, actor, singer, enters into a contract with those who listen, watch or read. The contract states, for the price of a book, a ticket, a recording, or time in front of the television, they owe us the best work they can produce at that time, and in their opinion. Not in my opinion, or your opinion, but their opinion. We owe them the courtesy of reading or listening. If we feel they have not fulfilled the contract to our satisfaction, we have the right to stop listening, stop reading, or cease to be part of the audience. This terminates the contract.
I clearly remember, back in my more innocent days, telling an author she really needed to write the story of a secondary character in one of her books. She could have reminded me she had already told the group she was moving on from this story line. Instead, she smiled sweetly and said: “You want his story. You write it.”
Better words were never spoken, and nothing has been a greater catalyst for me than to remind myself: If I don’t like the way a book is written, I have every right to write one for myself that turns out the way I want it to turn out.
If we do not enjoy the artist’s work, we have the option not to enter into another contract with them. Don’t buy another book, or recording, or ticket; change the channel. We possibly have the right to give our opinion on their work. Stating that a book should have been written in some different fashion is a waste of our time. You don’t like the plot, the characters, the ending? Write your own. Toss it to the winds, and if it finds a home, know you have fulfilled your contract with at least one reader. And isn’t that why we write?
Monica Stoner in Snowy New Mexico
At the end of this month I’ll be attending my first Malice Domestic mystery conference in Arlington, Virginia. I’ve heard about the Malice conference for years and I’m very excited to be going with my first book out and available. There’s a speed-dating-type event where authors switch from table to table to meet readers, and I’ll also be sitting on a panel called “I Hear Voices.†I’ll see my agent and also meet my editor for the first time so there will be a bit of business going on. And Saturday is the Agatha Awards ceremony so there should be some dressing up. I’ll be sure to report back on everything that happened!
What are you on the verge of doing? Have you ever been to a mystery conference? Yes? How about sharing some mystery conference tips? 🙂
Meanwhile, I want to jump on Maureen Child’s bandwagon and shout out the news about the very fun new Silhouette Desire blog on eharlequin.com. I’m the newest author in the group and so far, we’re having a blast! Come by and comment if you have a minute. We’re giving away prizes every day this month!
Kate Carlisle is the author of Homicide in Hardcover, the Independent Mystery Booksellers Association’s No. 1 paperback bestseller for February 2009.
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