Dad Jokes: Part Two
June 18, 2017 by marianne h donley in category Apples & Oranges by Marianne H. Donley, Java Plots by marianne h donley tagged as Dad Jokes, Father's Day, Kids, laughter
A few years ago (okay nine years ago) I wrote the following post for Father’s Day:
I collect Dad Jokes. These are not jokes about dads, but are jokes that dads everywhere tell little kids. Dad Jokes have three things in common:
1. They’re G-rated.
2. They’re lame.
3. You laugh anyway, even years later.
My own dad had a good supple of Dad Jokes starting with “What’s black and white and red all over?” His answer varied according to the age of audience, preschool or kindergarten aged kids got “newspaper” and older kids got “sunburned zebra.” Either way gales of laughter would follow, which fascinated me even as a little kid. Let’s face it, that joke is so old most children are probably born knowing it.
But that joke wasn’t the one that cracked me up. My favorite Dad Joke is (and this is really dating me):
“What”s black and blue, lays in the grass and goes ding-dong?”
“A wounded Avon lady.”
My bothers and sisters and I all went to Catholic school so a close second is:
“What’s black and white, black and white, black and white and black and blue?”
“A nun falling down stairs.”
I should note that we were under strict orders from our mom NOT to tell that joke at school. I am fairly certain that was an order my brother Michael just couldn’t follow, that joke spread though St. Ann’s like wild fire. This was well before the days of “zero tolerance” in our schools where everything a child says is examined for possible homicidal intent, so no one got expelled as a result. However, it has not escaped my notice that there is a more polite version floating around these days, but I can’t think “a penguin falling down stairs” would have the same humor impact on Catholic school children.
My husband has a pretty good supple of Dad Jokes as well. Our sons still laugh at both:
“Why does an elephant paint his toenails red?”
“To hide in a cherry tree.”
“How can you tell if there’s an elephant in the refrigerator?”
“There are footprints in the butter.”
Our daughter’s favorite Dad Joke was told to her by her Uncle Paul. I know if I just mention this joke she, at age 26, will start laughing. So:
“Want to hear a dirty joke?”
“A white horse fell in the mud.”
Why is this “Dad Jokes, Part two?”
Because now I have internet resources for you. I’ve listed my favorite joke (or two) and then the link to the site where I found it.
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta!
From Baby Center’s 35 Silly Jokes for Kids
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An Investigator.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
From Jokes4US Kid’s Jokes
What do you call a tick on the moon?
A luna-tick
What kind of music do planets sing?
Neptunes!
From Funology’s Outerspace Jokes
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?
Guardians of the Galaxy.
If April showers bring Mayflowers, what do Mayflowers bring?
Pilgrims.
From Mon Junctions 85 Silly Jokes for Kids (Which I guess proves that moms like dad jokes as much as dads do.)
Happy Father’s Day!
What’s your favorite dad joke?
Marianne H. Donley makes her home in Tennessee with her husband and son. She is a member of Bethlehem Writers Group, Romance Writers of America, OCC/RWA, and Music City Romance Writers. When Marianne isn’t working on A Slice of Orange, she might be writing short stories, funny romances or quirky murder mysteries, but this could be a rumor.
Sister Carmelita, The Fear of God and Me
June 15, 2017 by Rebecca Forster in category The Write Life by Rebecca Forster, Writing tagged as Amazon, Education, inspiration, nuns, school, thriller, writing
The day I stood in the choir loft surrounded by my fourth grade peers I had no idea that I was about to learn a lesson in suspense, terror, fear, retribution and resolution that would lead me to a career as a thriller author.
The day was hot, air-conditioning was unheard of, and we wore our itchy, ugly, brown wool Catholic school uniforms year ‘round to save our parents money. I was a very good girl. I never drew attention to myself, folded my hands with fingers pointing heavenward when I prayed, picked up trash on the playground and helped pass out papers in class. But that day, I made a blunder that put me in Sister Carmelita’s crosshairs. As she raised her arms and positioned her baton in anticipation of another rousing chorus of a hymn I have long forgotten, I rolled my eyes. Yep, I rolled them to the back of my little ten-year-old head in frustration and exhaustion.
Sister Carmelita cut her own my way. I realize now that she had mastered the art of eye cutting because she couldn’t move her head given her the box-like wimple. Everyone stopped breathing. No one knew what I had done, only that I had done something very, very bad.
“Miss Forster.” Sister Carmelita’s voice was modulated appropriately for God’s house. “Wait after choir.”
My stomach lurched. I felt light headed. I was doomed.
Sister Carmelita is long gone. During her time on earth she faced changes in her church and her life, but I doubt she ever knew how that day changed me. So, if you’re listening, Sister, I want you to know that, 30 years later, that moment sealed my fate. I spend my days writing thrillers, trying to recapture the exquiste sense of suspense I experienced that day. Here is what you taught me:
1) Less is More: Your understated notice of me, the glitter in your eye, the sound of your voice was more intriguing, more compelling, more enthralling than screaming, railing or ranting.
2) Timing is Everything: All 29 of my classmates knew I was in trouble. I knew I was in trouble. I even knew why I was in trouble (disrespecting you, God, choir practice, country, family and all living creatures with a roll of my eyes), yet you didn’t nip things in the bud with a mere instantaneous admonition. My comeuppance was exquisitely timed. You threw in an extra hymn to extend practice, studiously ignored me, meticulously folded your sheet music as my classmates silently went down the stairs. You waited until the door of the church closed, clicked and locked us together in that big, shadowy church before you turned.
3) The Devil’s in the Details: You were taller than me (back then almost everyone was taller than me), but that wasn’t why I was afraid. It was your whole package, the details of your awesome being that were so formidable. Covered head to toe in black, your face framed by your wimple (which, by the way, looked like the vice used during the Spanish Inquisition), your hands buried beneath the scapular that fell in a perfect column to the tips of your shoes, made for quite a package. But there was more: The scent of nun-perfume (I think it was soap, but it smelled like nun-perfume to me), the clack of those huge rosary beads attached to your wide belt, the squish of your rubber soled shoes. I saw all this, I heard all this, I smelled all this and each sense was heightened because of the hush surrounding us.
I remember your methodical advance into my personal space. I remember you lowering your eyes as I raised mine. The suspense was heart-stopping, the anticipation of my penance almost unbearable. Quite frankly, you were terrifying.
But here’s the funny thing: I don’t remember how it ended. Did you scold me? Did you show mercy and forgiveness? I only remember being terrified. Like the brain of the seven year old Stephen King swears gives him inspiration for his horror books, you, Sister Carmelita, inspire every sentence I write in every thriller novel I pen. For that, I can’t thank you enough.
I also want you to know, I have never rolled my eyes at anything since then .
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The Extra Squeeze Team: We’re Taking Questions
June 14, 2017 by marianne h donley in category The Extra Squeeze by The Extra Squeeze Team tagged as H.O. Charles, Jenny Jensen, Rebecca Forster, Robin Blakely, The Extra Squeeze Team
Send Us Your Questions
Ever wonder what industry professionals think about the issues that can really impact our careers? Each month The Extra Squeeze features a fresh topic related to books and publishing.
Amazon mover and shaker Rebecca Forster and her handpicked team of book professionals offer frank responses from the POV of each of their specialties — Writing, Editing, PR/Biz Development, and Cover Design.
Send The Extra Squeeze Team your Questions.
Your questions and their answers will be posted on the last day of each month.
If you have a topic or question for the Extra Squeeze Team, contact the Extra Squeeze online producer Marianne Donley by using the form below.
The Extra Squeeze Team
USA Today Bestselling author of 35 books, including the Witness series and the new Finn O’Brien series.
Developmental editor who has worked for twenty plus years with new and established authors of both fiction and non-fiction, traditional and indie.
Cover designer and author of the fantasy series, The Fireblade Array
PR/Business Development coach for writers and artists; CEO, Creative Center of America; member, Forbes Coaches Council.
Another Slice of Nature
June 13, 2017 by Sally Paradysz in category From a Cabin in the Woods by Members of Bethlehem Writers Group tagged as inspiration, nature, writing
Sitting in my writing cabin in the woods I have the opportunity to watch nature in all of its richness. I usually play a CD softly while I write, and I allow it to repeat itself for hours on end. It is a loon CD, and I find those haunting voices calming, yet full of mystery. As in nature I never know what will flash by my windows. Most usually my two foxes will come, hoping to catch a meal of squirrel, chipmunk, or turkey. All of those little souls gather under my many bird feeders each morning. I do not necessarily like the thought of that, but we each instinctively do as we do.
When I see this, I always have a tug-of-war going on inside. Part of me understands the needs of the fox, and the other part of me wants the ‘little ones’ to be okay. But, the fox has to be the way he is. “Do not ask for mangoes in a shoe store,” I once read. This applies to us humans as well. Each of us is our own person. My Maine Coons like to hang out on my screened-in-porch and watch the action, but I would never let them out into the woods. Their instinct is to be with the other animals, and my instinct is to keep them safe. Oh my, the decisions we must make.
Whatever is important to us, go forward with commitment. Do not allow ourselves to be tossed to the wayside because of doubt. I have experienced indecision in so many of its ways, and it has kept me in its grips, but not anymore. Write, paint, or sing, with all the passion you have within. Make decisions regardless of the insecurity you might feel. It is a wonderful thing to witness the emergence of a more authentic self. I’ve learned to silence the voices of those who want to keep us narrowly defined, and although these awakenings are never gentle they lead to a process of finding out who we really are…
Sally Paradysz writes from a book-lined cabin in the woods beside the home she built from scratch. She is an ordained minister of the Assembly of the Word, founded in 1975. For two decades, she has provided spiritual counseling and ministerial assistance. Sally has completed undergraduate and graduate courses in business and journalism. She took courses at NOVA, and served as a hotline, hospital, and police interview volunteer in Bucks County, PA. She is definitely owned by her two Maine Coon cats, Kiva and Kodi.
Read Sally’s short story This Business of Wood in ONCE AROUND THE SUN; available in paperback and ebook.
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Let me TELL you something…
June 12, 2017 by Denise M. Colby in category The Writing Journey by Denise Colby, Writing tagged as Contests, Denise Colby, feedback, Show Don't Tell
I took a long walk this morning. Wrote an awesome blog post in my head. The entire time I wished I had my laptop to write down my thoughts. Let me tell you, it was awesome. Of course, as soon as I got home and started to actually write it, well…..the words came out differently. Not as witty. Not as eloquent. My punctuation was off. But trust me. The original in my head? It was awesome. I’m telling you.
See, my blog post was all about my feelings on the subject of telling vs showing. One of those things every fiction writer needs to learn to write a well-written novel. I apparently haven’t been able to figure it out yet. At least that’s what the latest round of contest remarks tell me.
Of course, I can’t show you their comments, so you’ll have to trust me when I tell you this.
So I took my walk to clear my head because somehow these comments have rattled me. I feel (again I’m telling you here) like giving up, stopping, throwing the entire book away. And I’m not sure what to do about it.
I’ve received lots of feedback over the past four years on my writing journey. I’m usually really good about taking it in stride and learning from it. But this time around it has punched me in the gut and taken all the motivation out of me.
And I’m not sure why.
Ironically, most of the feedback I’ve received, has been over the same set of pages. So really, the feedback isn’t just on my writing, it’s on the however many other contest evaluators and writer friends who have taken their time to give me their honest feedback. Each time I’ve made adjustments and changes, I’ve felt like I’ve gotten closer and closer to a solid beginning. So I find it interesting that what’s been pointed out makes my pages sound worse than where I was before.
I’m telling you, it’s enough to make me really confused.
So as I wallow in my own negative emotions, I reflect back to how I got here. Even in high school my English wasn’t great. I scored higher on my math portion of my SAT then my English. I can spell like the best of them, but making sure I’m staying in either present or past tense throughout the entire sentence is a challenge for me. As well as telling vs showing. That’s what I’m being told.
You’ve probably noticed it all in this post.
I do have a BA in Communication. I landed a great job out of college and my first two bosses were previous English teachers. Go figure. Every assignment I turned in came back with red marks everywhere. But I learned. By the time I went to graduate school to get my MBA, I scored higher on the English then the math. But since I embarked on this fiction writing journey I’ve learned something. Let me tell you – copywriting and fiction writing are two completely different things.
The writing I did in the business world mostly came in bullet points. I told people why they needed to buy a certain product. What that product could do for them and how it would benefit them. In catalogs, flyers, packaging, presentations and brochures. We had to be succinct and to the point. A customer needed to be able to know within a few seconds what this product was and what it could do for them. No room for interpretation, no room for feelings or fluff words as we called it. Just the point.
I was in charge of writing, proofing, and editing our products within our customer catalogs – for thousands of products. To create consistency with my team, I created a catalog copy strategy. Here’s what I instructed them:
For the actual copy block:
- Concise, no fluff words
- Benefit statements
- minimum 2 sentences, maximum 5 sentences
- Doesn’t have to be complete sentences
Example in bullet form of copy block:
- Benefit statement that helps to explain the product concept overall.
- Describe how the product is used.
- Suggest applications for the product.
- Other descriptions of the product including other features, color, size, quantity.
Now here I am writing a novel and my mind is trained in a completely different way. I’m having a difficult time writing the showing parts. I’m pulling my hair out trying to get it. I’m crying over the fact that I have 350 plus pages to go back and redo and think I have it correct, but then find out I don’t. (Did I do it? Showing? Wrong tense, though. Sigh.) I’ll keep trying but the task feels daunting.
So, I need someone to tell me what happens next? I’m stuck. Frozen. Not sure if I can keep going. I know, I know. I just need to keep plugging along. I guess that’s why I wrote this blog post. I needed an outlet to process things. And to write something that’s in my own words, my way and I don’t care what anyone else thinks about it. And when I circle back around to accept things and move on, I still have a manuscript where apparently I’ve been told I’m telling too much. I guess only time will tell if I can show them they were right or wrong.
Denise
Denise M. Colby loves learning about history and reading fun, uplifting, encouraging stories that cherish and warm the heart. Combining two of her loves, she is working on her first inspirational historical romance, featuring Olivia Carmichael, a young lady who loses everything, including her faith, travels to California to teach and finds love in many different forms along the way. Passionate about all types of stories – whether they are from songs, theatre, movies or novels, Denise loves sharing these passions with her husband and their three boys. You can follow along with Denise on her writing journey at www.denisemcolby.com
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