Instead of: “Stop it!” James said. [He could be angry but then again he could be laughing hard and telling someone to stop it. But if we say: James said, angrily, we’re telling.]
- Try: James sliced the air with his hand. “Stop it!”
- Try: “Stop it!” James held his sides, laughing.
Instead of: “Is she serious?” Amber asked, rolling her eyes.
- Try: “Is she serious?” Amber rolled her eyes and laughed.
Instead of: “Gosh, I love this song,” Jill said, dreamily. [Yikes an ly word]
- Try: “Gosh, I love this song.” Jill closed her eyes and swayed to the music.
Instead of: “Try it, you little weasel,” Jake bellowed. “Just try it.”
- Try: “Jake’s palms slapped the tabletop. “Try it, you little weasel. Just try it.”
Instead of: “You jerk!” Pam screamed, swinging her handbag at him.
- Try: “You jerk!” Pam lashed out at him with her handbag.
The same idea applies to the he or she thought tags.
Example:
Instead of: Can this day get any worse? Jane wondered.
- Try: Jane slumped into the nearest easy chair and kicked off her shoes. Could this day get any worse?
Instead of: If he comes through that door, I’ll brain him, Jill silently vowed.
- Try: If he comes through that door, I’ll brain him. Jill’s fingernails bit into her palms. [Shows determination]
Punctuation can be used to negate tags that indicate strong feelings. To demonstrate what I mean, I’ll use one of my above examples.
“You jerk!” Pam screamed, swinging her handbag at him.
Given there is an exclamation mark after jerk, we know Pam said this with strong feelings. Unless we want her screaming to draw the attention of characters around her, we don’t need to “tell” the reader she screamed. Also, her actions indicate anger and that makes the tag an even bigger overkill. But what if Pam said it under her breath so as not to draw attention? Do we need to say, she whispered? It works. But we could also say: Pam sneered and leaned close, her lips a mere inch from his ear. “Jerk.”
Note: Don’t over use exclamation marks. Again, body language will work just as well.
It must be said, though, that having all the characters on stage constantly nodding, scratching, dancing and throwing things would be just as annoying — not to mention ridiculous — as too many tags. So a few tags are allowed and in some instances they work better for a tight, straight to the point sentence.
I know of no set rules on how many dialogue tags are allowed on a page. The best rule of thumb is to vary your dialogue and cut them when possible. And if you’re still unsure, read the page out loud. Too many tags make the writing sound choppy. They also distract.
The right balance will result in tighter writing that “shows more and “tells” less.
Interesting related websites:
- Three Places Where You Should Tell: http://wordplay-kmweiland.blogspot.com/2011/02/three-places-where-you-should-tell.html
- From an Editor’s POV: http://theeditorsblog.net/2010/12/25/use-and-abuse-of-dialogue-tags/
- The Use and Abuse of dialogue tags: http://www.writing-world.com/fiction/said.shtml
- Avoid Creative Dialogue Syndrome: http://users.wirefire.com/tritt/tip4.html/
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