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Is That Clear?

March 3, 2006 by in category Archives tagged as

By Louise Knott Ahern

As a young reporter, I used to whine that my editors “dumbed down” my writing when they traded big words for simple ones, broke up long sentences or otherwise made my writing clearer.

I’ve learned an important lesson since then.

Clarity is never dumb.

Clogged, jargon-filled writing is one of the biggest mistakes I find in professional communications today. The point of all writing is to convey a message. Yet the writing that comes out of businesses, schools and other institutions too often lacks a point, the messages weighed down under awkward phrases.

Take a look at the following sentence: The university seeks an increase in funds for the acquisition of periodicals in the library.

Now look at it this way: The university library needs more money to buy books.

Which one is better?

If you picked the first sentence, I’m not surprised. You have been trained to think that big words and long sentences sound professional.

In college, professors gave you minimum word and page requirements for your assignments, convincing you that good writing is long writing. That lesson is reinforced on the job, where you face reports and presentations full of acronyms, clauses and paragraphs that never end.

Hear me on this: Long writing does not make you sound smart. Nor does it make you sound professional.

It makes you sound scared.

Jargon and “bureaucratese” force readers to focus on your words, not your message. And when your message is cloudy, you fail as a writer.

Are you guilty of the heavy writing I’ve just described? No fear. Whether you realize it or not, you already know that simple is better.

Think back to those college days. When studying, did you highlight passages in your text books? You likely do the same thing today when you’re reading annual reports or memos from co-workers. That’s your mind telling you that not every single word you’re reading is crucial.

So, why waste time with words and sentences that aren’t necessary? It is better to make sure that every word you write is clear, precise and essential to your message.

Here are some tips to clarify your writing:

What’s the message?

Before you start writing, ask yourself a few questions. Who cares about this topic? Why should they care? What is the impact of this issue? What do you want people to do/think/feel after they read your words?

Questions like these will focus your writing on the most important points, which always adds clarity. They will also define your message and help you choose the perfect words.

Write like you talk.

You run into a colleague at the water cooler. She asks what’s new, and you say, “Due to a lack of funding, my plan to acquire an enhanced transportation method will have to be put on hold.”

Translation: I don’t have enough money for a new car right now.

For some reason, people think that when they put a message in writing, they have to dress it up and bog it down. They’re wrong. Writing should sound like you. This is how you establish your voice – your unique view of an issue translated into the written word. It’s OK to have a voice, even in professional settings.

The key to writing like you talk is to actually talk while writing. Before you put fingers to keyboard, pretend you’re explaining the issue to your mother. Write it that way.

And, yes, the level of formality in your writing should reflect the audience. I would expect you to speak differently to the President of the United States than your mom. But don’t confuse formality with stiffness. You must still be clear, and your writing should still sound like you.

Presume ignorance.

Assume that your audience has little or no idea what you’re talking about; that your memo or report will be the first time they’ve ever heard of your topic. This is true even if you know that your audience are your colleagues, who are as well-versed and as well-educated as you are on your subject.

When writing, pretend you’re trying to explain this to a group of middle-schoolers. This ensures that you keep it simple, stick to the basics, and avoid the pitfalls of jargon. Define acronyms. Cite studies. Explain procedures and use short words.

I know, I know. The inner Ph.D in you is gasping in pain. How can she possibly show off all those years of college if she can’t use the jargon of her field? Tell her to shut it. She’ll be fine once she realizes that her message makes her sound smart; not her words.

Speaking of words… Shorter is better.

Look again at the two sentences above. We replaced “acquisition of periodicals” with “buy books.” We cut ten syllables to two.

You might argue that “periodicals” does not exactly mean “books.” You’re right. The point is that you can always find a simpler way to say things. As an added bonus, finding the simple way forces you to be as specific as possible. That’s always a good thing.

Get rid of jargon.

I’ve said a lot about the evils of jargon, which should have been a clue that it would eventually get its own section. Nothing grates my nerves as much as jargon. Amateur communicators think that jargon and overly technical writing makes them sound like an expert. Look how much I know about this! I can spew all these fancy words!

I argue the opposite. Jargon is a camoflauge for a lack of confidence in the message. How do you know if something is jargon? Ask yourself this: Does a reader need a degree in the subject matter to recognize the phrase? Could a reader with no background in this issue understand the word? If the answer is no, find another way to say it. (Again, think about how you would explain it to your mother.)

People especially rely on jargon when delivering bad news, as if the message is easier to take when couched under “tech speak.” Bad news is bad no matter how you say it. Readers (a broad term for your customers, co-workers, superiors, etc.) will know when you’re trying to pull one over on them, and they won’t appreciate it. Sales are down? Then just say it.

Take a cue from Winston Churchill. The news from France is bad.

Cut.

Mark Twain once mused, “I didn’t have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one.”

Professional writers know what he means. The hardest part of writing is rewriting, and the hardest part of rewriting is cutting. You spend all that time putting the words down, and then you’re supposed to erase a third of them?

Yep. Writing is cruel.

But if you take it in steps, cutting doesn’t have to be so painful.

Start by looking for redundancies. Do you refer to an “advance plan”? Just say “plan.” It means the same thing. How about “unexpected surprise”? Aren’t all surprises unexpected? You’ll be amazed how many of these redundant phrases crop up in your work and weaken your message.

Next, condense or break up sentences. Read your work aloud. If you can’t finish a sentence without taking a breath, it’s too long. Either break it up into two sentences or shorten it. With paragraphs, a good rule of thumb is to not exceed a few sentences.

Finally, change passive to active voice. Not sure of the difference? Let’s look at some sentences again.

Passive: The man was bitten by the dog.

Active: The dog bit the man.

The first sentence is passive; the subject of the sentence (the man) is acted upon. An active sentence is one in which the subject acts upon something else. Turning your passive sentences into active ones will immediately make your writing sharper, warmer and more authoritative.

You can spot passive voice by the word “was” and by the use of “ing” words. She was dancing becomes She danced.

The proposal was approved by the city council becomes The city council approved the proposal.

Proofread beyond the spellchecker.

Township to hold forum on pubic safety.

If you caught the mistake in that sentence, I’m impressed. If you didn’t catch it, read it again. See it now? Didn’t know your local government was so concerned with your pelvic health, did you?

Too bad that real-life headline from my first newspaper job was supposed to say “public safety.”

Few things can kill your message as quickly as typos. Don’t rely solely on the spellchecker to proofread your work. Print it out. Edit it. Then edit again.

Is that clear?

Good.

© 2004 Louise Knott Ahern

OCC member Louise Knott Ahern is a freelance journalist and public relations coach who writes contemporary romances. She’s the author of “Opting Out: A Career Woman’s Guide to Going Home Without Going Crazy,” a blog for mothers at http://www.optoutguide.blogspot.com/. She is also a contributor to The Writer’s Vibe (http://thewritersvibe.typepad.com/the_writers_vibe/), a blog for professional writers.

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I Am A Stripper, Not A Porn Star!

February 28, 2006 by in category Archives

By Michelle Thorne

If you google Michelle Thorne you will get about 850,000 hits for Michelle Thorne, England’s most famous porn star, and about 5 for me, Michelle Thorne, Bookseller. I’m in a bad mood, and not because there are people who think I do vile things with lots of men in stories that have no plots, on film or more accurately on video. Every month about this time I do book returns. I decide what books have had enough time on my new shelves and what books will get a reprieve until next month. I really hate this part of my work, because I hate to destroy books. It is a bad thing. I know it’s wrong. I yell at customers just for opening a book too far and creasing the spine, but today I have to strip books.

Yes, I am a STRIPPER.

There is no way around it. I wish I could keep every book I order, forever. I can’t. I don’t enjoy stripping books, but to make room for next month’s books, I have to. Yes, I do get credit for the returned covers but it’s not that great for me financially either. I take at least a 10% hit every time I send a cover back. If I buy a $5.99 book, I pay 40% of the cover price or $3.59. When I send a cover back, I receive $3.00 in credit, for that same book, from my distributor (and not real money…Ingram bucks). 59 cents is gone like the proverbial wind. It may not sound like much, but multiply it by every book I buy and return every month. And get this…Ingram can decide not to give me credit or can drastically change the amount I get back from them in credit, at their discretion. That sucks, big time.

At BUB….123 I give the potential “Stripees” an extra month on a special shelf at 50% off (the same as I would get from Ingram, only in cash that I can spend.) That’s their last chance. Really! I try very hard to be careful when I order, but sometimes I just don’t get it right. Many of the times I don’t get it right is when I have an Author Autographing. I can never be sure if I have under ordered and will sell out, or if I have over ordered and I have a table full of books left at the end of the day. I always offer the books to the Authors at cost, so I don’t have to strip them. Authors always have to get books for contests, their relatives or donations. If you buy them from me you get your royalties, a discount and no books will die that day. Authors, don’t forget to sign stock even if you don’t buy your books, I always have a harder time returning a signed book, but I can do it. Buy your books when you can, but I’ll understand when you can’t. Like I know you’ll understand when I have to do returns. Don’t hate me because I strip, It’s not like I do porn.

Michelle Thorne
Bearly Used Books…123
Home of A Great Read
123 So. First Street
La Puente, CA 91744
(626) 986-3700

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Valentine’s Day Rules

February 23, 2006 by in category Archives tagged as

By Marianne Donley

I was the only stay–at–home mom within an eight-mile radius. My house sported cases of Skippy peanut butter, a whole fridge of milk, a cookie jar filled with crumbs no matter how often I baked, homemade play–dough in six different colors and flavors, and a ripe infestation of little boys.

They all dressed alike, these boys. Sweaty baseball caps covering a head of hair rarely touched by comb or shampoo. Striped shirts stained with purple jelly and tuna fish. Jeans worn for so many days that they could stand alone. Mismatched soccer socks and tennis shoes held together with spit and a prayer. Two of them, David and Kevin, belonged to me. But the rest somehow tunneled in after dark looking for food, help with homework, a mean game of Uno, or someone to be grossed out by their Garbage Pail Kids Cards.

Since I was the only stay–at–home mom, I was, by default, also room mother. This year I volunteered for Kevin’s fourth grade class. His teacher, Mr. Sullivan, earned high boy-approval points after he got annoyed with all the little girls bringing Cabbage Patch dolls to class. He tried warning the girls, calling their parents, and assigning detention. Nothing worked. Every girl in class lugged their dolls along. Finally, he arrested the dolls, convicted them, and then hanged them from the ceiling with a noose around their soft little dolly necks. The dead dolls and their nooses, clearly visible though the classroom windows, caused a minor school controversy. Parents protested. The principal ignored it. The boys cheered. The girls learned to leave their dolls a home where they belonged.

My infestation of boys assured me that Mr. Sullivan would never approve a Valentine’s Day party, even though Valentine’s Day fell on a Friday that year. Mr. Sullivan was way cool. Valentine’s were girly and pink and had cooties and no way Mr. Sullivan would want a part of all that.

Wrong.

But there were rules:
1. Everyone in class had to bring Valentines.
2. Homemade ones were nicer that store bought ones.
3. Everyone got a Valentine. No exceptions. No complaining.

I typed up a list of all the students in the class and made sure everyone got the list. A few days before the party, Mr. Sullivan taught an art class that featured paper folding and cutting to make hearts (and the mathematics of symmetry happened for free). I helped with the glue and the glitter and the math. Students also decorated shoe boxes with slits cut into the top to receive their cards. At the end of the lesson, the kids were invited to take home extra supplies if they wanted to make their own Valentines. A very neat way, I thought, to let students who couldn’t afford the material accept help without embarrassment.

My infestation of boys complained about Valentine’s Day to me every chance they got.

“Do we have to give Brandy and Tiffany a Valentine?”

“Yes.”

“But they’re really gross.”

“Too bad.”

“Do you have to make all the cookies heart shaped?”

“Yes.”

“Will the punch be pink?”

“It will be now.”

“Ah, man. Can’t we have Dirt with Worms like we did for Halloween?”

“Nope.”

“Can we play Heads– up Seven–up?

“Sure!”

The Valentine’s party went off without a hitch. The boys gobbled up the heart cookies even with the pink icing and pinker sprinkles. They laughed over the sayings on the Sweetheart candies. They didn’t complain too much when a girl won Heads-up Seven– up.

Finally, they opened the boxes with all the Valentines. Everyone had a huge pile, even Mr. Sullivan. Girls giggled and carefully tore the ends of the envelopes noting who signed each one. Boys ripped them apart looking for more candy. In the midst of this chaos, Freddie Farkis stood up and shouted, “No fair. No one gave, Mrs. Donley a Valentine.”

The noise level dropped to near silence. I heard the clock ticking, a piece of paper rustling and the sharp inhale from Mr. Sullivan.

Every child in that room stared at the teacher. His eyes were wide with panic. His mouth opened and closed in rapid succession as if he were a fish gasping for water. A sudden flush spread up the side of his neck and colored the tips of his ears hot pink.

Either Brandy or Tiffany sobbed, “We broke the rule. We broke the rules.”

“Moms don’t need Valentines,” I said.

“Yes, they do. Everyone needs a Valentine.” Freddie turned to Mr. Sullivan. “You said everyone needs a Valentine.”

“Don’t worry, Freddie. Mr. Donley will get me a Valentine.” I glance around the room. The girls seemed happy with that solution and smiled at me. Mr. Sullivan cleared his throat a few times and nodded his head as if he, himself, had arranged for Mr. Donley to give me a Valentine. The infestation of boys was not happy. They all folded their arms across their chests. They ignored their candy and cookies.

Freddie’s eyes narrowed, and I knew he would try to argue some more when the bell rang signaling the end of school. Mr. Sullivan snapped out of his panic and clapped his hand. “Let’s get this room cleaned up. It’s time to go home.”

Students packed their backpack with their holiday loot and dribbled out of the room in groups of two or three.

I stayed after to help.

“That was embarrassing,” Mr. Sullivan said when the last child left the room. He picked up chairs and placed them on the desks so the janitors could clean the room. “I am so sorry.”

“I typed up the list. It never occurred to me to put my name on it.” I dumped cookie crumbs into the trash can and emptied cups of punch into the sink.

“I’m going to have to figure out something for Monday.” He turned off the lights and picked up his briefcase and keys.

“Don’t worry about it. They’ll have forgotten all about it by the time they get to the crosswalk.” I stashed my supplies in my box, picked up my purse and headed to the kindergarten room to collect my daughter.

My daughter, Stephanie, her buddies Christian and Jan, Christian’s mom who worked swing shift at the phone company, were waiting for me by the kindergarten door. “Those hoodlum boys didn’t wait for us,” Jan said as we started walking home. “They ran out of here like rats off a sinking ship. What’s up?”

“Sugar high,” I suggested as I looked around for my own sons. “Your brothers didn’t wait?” I asked Stephanie.

“They went to Freddie’s,” she said. “I told them they better wait. Are they going to get in trouble?”

Before I could answer both David and Kevin ran up. “Can we go to Freddie’s?” They asked in unison.

“Will his mom or dad be home?” I asked.

They looked at each other, shrugged, kicked the ground and with great care did not look at me.

“No parents. No way.”

“Ahhh, Mom.”

“Please. Pretty, please. With sugar on top.”

“Sorry, guys. When we get home, you can call Freddie and find out when his folks will be home. You can go over then.”

“His sister’s there. She goes to junior high.”

“Not happening,” I said.

They grumbled as we walked down C Street. They argued as we turned on Sycamore Ave. They tried bribery all the way down Alfredo Street and into our driveway.

Where we were greeted by the entire infestation of boys. They were hanging in the tree. Lounging on the front poach. Rolling in the grass.

Freddie stood in the middle of the herd, a grubby brown paper bag in one hand and the handle bars of his bike in the other.

“Here,” he said thrusting the paper bag into my hands.

“What is it?” I asked.

“We traded. We traded our Valentines with my sister.” Freddie didn’t look at me as I opened the bag. Inside I found one of those small bottles half–filled with turquoise blowing bubble solution. The bottle was strung on a long black string making a necklace.

“It’s your Valentine,” he said as he got on his bike. “Everyone gets a Valentine.”

He rode off before I could get the necklace around my neck. But the other boys watched as I unscrewed the slightly tarnished cap and blew bubbles all over my front yard.

“Thank you, Freddie,” I yelled to the quickly disappearing little boy. “This is the best Valentine I’ve ever received.”

I’ve been wearing that necklace every Valentine’s Day for twenty years.

Marianne Donley
OCC/RWA Web Editor

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Hero

February 22, 2006 by in category Archives tagged as

By Brandy Stewart

I remember the exact moment I asked God for a hero. It was 1998 and I was lying in bed watching a handsome, charming and extremely well-endowed marine put his pants on. It’s not that he wasn’t fun- he was. He was a great guy, and I loved him in a way, but it wasn’t THE way. I knew it wasn’t THE way, because I had him believing I loved hockey, g-strings and sex in hallways. He thought I slept in full makeup, and needed only three hours of sleep a night. This was not the stuff of deep, romantic connection.

I didn’t trust him with my true self: the girl who prefers books to hockey, sex in beds and grannie underpants that don’t ride up. The girl with blackheads and flat hair. Both girls kissed the marine goodbye and stared at the ceiling.

“God, I need a hero. Someone who gets me. Someone who not only gets me, but loves the real me, dark roots and all.” I finished with a promise: “I swear, no more men until he shows up.” With that heavy pronouncement, I got up out of bed and put my clothes on. It was two o’clock on a Thursday, after all.

Fortunately God knows me well, and didn’t test my resolve by making me wait too long. Two weeks later, after an awful day at work, I forced myself to attend a happy hour event sponsored by my alma mater. The bar was in the back of a Mexican restaurant, and my classmates were mingling at a bunch of tables crowded beneath a gaudy yellow chandelier.

The president of the local alumni chapter stood up to welcome me. Out of habit, I checked him out: younger than me, dark hair, well-dressed. I said something witty and charming…

Of course I didn’t. In a world-weary voice I said, “I need a drink.” Good host that he was, he smiled, and got me a drink. He had long fingers, like a musician. Dark hair, dark eyes, and the world’s longest eyelashes. Rolled-up sleeves bared strong forearms dusted with straight black hair. I remember wondering if he had it all over, or just on his forearms. But I tried not to pay too much attention because I’d sworn off men, remember?

So I had another margarita- on the rocks with salt, lots of salt, thank you very much- and left an hour later like a good girl. As I was leaving, Mr. President promised to call me early the following week to play volleyball, a mutual interest. I couldn’t make it, and we settled on my joining him at his next wine club event. “Guy friend,” I told myself. I couldn’t bear to hope that he could be special. If he didn’t pull down his pants in my living room or try to perform mouth to mouth in the first fifteen minutes of our date, he would be cautiously promoted to guy friend.

Well, he didn’t commit either faux pas, but he did pull out a secret weapon at the end of our date. Poleaxed, flummoxed, a bowlful of jelly, that was me. He sideswiped me with something I was absolutely, positively, powerless to resist. I was Wonder Woman and he had my… No, wait. Wonder Woman had no weaknesses.

I was Superman and he had my kryptonite. Actually, I was Tense Career Woman, and he had magic hands. Just before he walked out my door after our date, he moved in close behind me, put his hands on my shoulders and started to rub. And rub, and ease, and persuade every inch of tension to leave my body.

I swayed dangerously on my feet, and he caught me. He could have done just about anything at that moment and been forgiven for the gift of relaxation I didn’t even know I needed. But do you know what he did? He left. I was draped in my doorway, nerve endings a-tingling, and vulnerable to seduction. But he left, and I was intrigued. And you know what?

Six years and two beautiful sons later, he still soothes me. I’m no longer Tense Career Woman, but sleep-deprived mommy of two, and the man still has the magic that keeps me his happy slave. His presence calms me, the scent of his skin clears my mind and his body is sanctuary from the rest of life’s busy pace.

I know its love, the real thing, because I can trust him to accept me in all of my various forms. The two hundred pound pregnant woman didn’t faze him. He has dodged ‘Banshee-Me’ in the throes of PMS; he listens patiently when I tell him how I reamed a sales clerk at the store when I’m sure he’d rather be watching ice hockey on television. I’m not a bad wife, either. Heck, I offer sexual favors for household chores completed. I do my part.

Mr. President is now Mr. Husband, and he doesn’t mind the granny underwear, as long as I pull out the good stuff on occasion too. He sees ME, the real me: the good, the bad, and the oh-so-ugly. And sometimes I don’t believe him, but he says he loves all of those girls. What a miracle.

I thank God for him every day.

Brandy Stewart

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TWO DAYS

February 21, 2006 by in category Archives tagged as

By Charlene Sands

My father was an Italian born, American who became a decorated WWII Army sergeant. Hard as nails when it came to politics and his love for our country, he met my mother in New York right before the war and told her on their first date that he was going to marry her.

And while on a three-day Army leave, he did marry her and they shared a binding heartfelt love that endured many hardships. My father would often say that while he was in the trenches in the Philippines, he never feared for his life. He always knew that he would be coming home and that he’d successfully dodged many bullets, but the one injury he had trouble withstanding was the loneliness that constantly surrounded him. The separation from my mother seemed almost unbearable.

And shortly after their 50th wedding anniversary and a lifetime of devoted love, my father passed on leaving us with many stories and beautiful memories. No one could make a person laugh harder than my father. He had a flair for storytelling that kept everyone in his presence, enthralled.

And after my mother passed on, I retrieved his little black book, this binder that I’d always wanted for myself. In it, there were more than two-dozen poems my father had penned to my mother while serving time in the Army. Written in his own hand and dated, these poems are his legacy to our family.

This was one of two poems that we read at mom’s eulogy that speak of their separation at that time.

Dated: April 29, 1941
TWO DAYS
Two days we’ve been apart, my love
Two days that seemed like ages
Two days of loneliness I’ve known
In slow and painful stages.

Two days of rain, of dismal fog
Of clouds up in the blue
Two days. Two nights. I’ve been like this
Without the love from you.

Two days, two weeks, or centuries
It really does not matter
For soon will come the moment when
All of my woes will scatter

I’ve served my time in loneliness
And now at liberty
I’ll fly right over to your side
And give my love to thee.

My father was an intelligent man with a quick-wit and a sweetly sentimental side that he would always show his family. Sadly, he never saw me publish my first book. He never knew of my writing success. But I remedied that from book one. His name appears in all my stories in some shape or form, concealed in unique ways as a tribute to my love for him.
He’s always with me.

Charlene Sands
RENEGADE WIFE is on sale now!
Heiress Beware 6/06
Bunking Down with the Boss 8/06
Abducted at the Altar 9/06
www.charlenesands.com
Join her blog at: http://charlenesands.com/blog/

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