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Channel Your Inner Guy….

January 24, 2009 by in category Archives tagged as , ,

Recently attended a presentation given by a very smart and talented group of people, but I came away with a powerful impression about girlspeak and boyspeak and a compelling message for people of the female persuasion:

You have got to Channel your Inner Guy when you speak publicly!

Both men and women presented. Both were smart, articulate, but the impact was night and day. Now there were some great women speakers and some not so great men, but there was a steriotypic role tendency that I fall into myself that hit me over the head listening.

You know where I’m taking this. Girlspeak meant presenting their recommendations tentatively, their language filled with caveats, ‘mights,’ ‘coulds,’ efforts to please, to question, to solicit approval, information couched with options and alternatives. If they were a dog, they’d be approaching you head down, ears flattened, tail low and wagging frantically.

And of course the guys would say their piece much more directly and quickly, with focus, specifics, to the point, putting their opinion out there, appearing to know everything, taking the risk. If they were a dog, they’d be sitting up straight or standing, ears pricked, legs apart, tail high, barking loudly for attention.

At worst, boyspeak delivers the not-too-subtle tyranny and bullying of ‘my way or the highway,’ ‘there is one correct opinion & you have just heard it, no conversation, questions or dissent will be tolerated’ and other forms of oppressive language. And girlspeak is sensitized—in the worst case, over sensitized—to that, and can go too far to compensate. But let me tell you, boyspeak was a lot easier to listen to!

Frankly, it is exhausting to listen to girlspeak. My stomach was clenched the whole time wondering where the sentences were going, whether there was any certainty or clarity I could hang my hat on, or whether it was all just a morass of possibilities that I was now supposed to figure out and sort through without clear direction, just a few gentle hints and hopes expressed.

I think there’s a happy medium—a combining of forces that is what a good relationship is all about—that captures the best of both.

It entails channeling your inner guy—you’ve seen it in the yin yang symbol,Yin__Yangor C.G. Jung’s animus/anima: finding that core piece of “other”—of our own direct opposite—that we carry within ourselves.

It means speaking clearly, confidently, directly, with passion and commitment to your point of view—but setting things up briefly at the beginning and/or at the end in a way that opens the door to feedback, or sets up the points to be discussed, what those discussion goals are & how that feedback will be managed.

All tentative and qualifying terms need to be ruthlessly eradicated from the general text. If you can’t bear to get rid of them entirely (I can’t) they go into a one sentence direct, opinionated qualifier. You don’t need to say the recommendations are just your opinion (duh!) and for heaven’s sake don’t be apologetic about having an opinion; you insult the person who is asking you for it.

No one is interested in how nervous you are or how unqualified you feel; they just want you to tell them what you know or recommend in as clear and compelling a manner as you can.

Just shut up about everything else. Ask yourself, would a guy ask that? Say that? Worry about that? No. So forget it.

Later, you can graciously open the door to comments (but don’t stop channeling your inner guy).

ISr Unsolicited advice from Isabel Swift

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Writer’s Budget

January 19, 2009 by in category Archives tagged as

Monica Stoner Member at Large

No, I don’t have an great ideas for making money as a writer, or for spending what we might make more judiciously. This is about a time budget though the initial idea came from listening to people talk about setting up a money budget.

One of the first ideas put forth is to “pay yourself first.” Put money in a savings account before you pay bills, if only a few dollars, instead of planning to put away what is left at the end of the month. In this same vein, my New Year thought was to stop planning my writing around other activities, thinking I could easily write late at night. Darkness comes and my body points out how important sleep is, and how much we enjoy it.

Write first, before club activities, before recreational baking (yum!), before all but the most necessary of life’s duties. During NaNo I found out I was writing instead of sampling cookie recipes and I actually managed to lose weight, something I never thought could happen when I was parked in front of the computer for so long.

If our writing means as much to us as we think it does, and if our lives are only complete when we struggle with plot and character development, why not schedule fulfillment of our souls and goals before everything else? Okay, we might want to allow for pesky day jobs, and if your life is anything like mine, meals prepared by the husband would consist of canned soup, maybe. Other than that, why not make a commitment to one hour, five pages, whatever the goal, before parties, before club activities. Think of writing as your second job, and give yourself the same respect you give your employer.

Now to follow my own advice. Happy writing.

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Writer on the Verge

January 18, 2009 by in category Archives tagged as , ,

GOT BOOKS?

Yes!!

My books arrived this week!

I opened the big box and pulled out one book and held it in my hand for the first time. It was a pretty special moment for me.

I would’ve liked to have savored the moment but suddenly every book in the box jumped out and attacked me. I wasn’t hurt, just momentarily stunned.

I really think they were just as thrilled to see me as I was to see them. I mean, look at that picture. Is this a love-fest or what?

Cheers!

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e-maginings: Publisher Suing Borders

January 16, 2009 by in category Archives tagged as

Jasmine-Jade Enterprises, parent company of Ellora’s Cave, Cerridwen Press and The Lotus Circle, filed suit against Borders and distributor Baker and Taylor for breach of contract and fraud. The issue involved has to do with books returned in violation of the bookstore chain’s contract with the publisher.

Details can be found at Publisher’s Weekly and Media Bistro. At issue is the chain’s habit of returning significant numbers of ordered books for credit.

Publishers have long complained about the policy of bookstore returns and it hits small publishers particularly hard, so it will be interesting to see how this case plays out.

Linda

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MONITORING YOUR ENERGY

January 15, 2009 by in category Archives


By Debra Holland

Everyone I know has a busy, busy life. The temptation for most people is to go and do, trying to fit everything in. And when you’re an author, you always have writing hanging over your head—it doesn’t matter whether you’re published or unpublished.

About fifteen years ago, I found out the hard way what happens if I push myself past my energy limits. I was in graduate school at the time, in addition to working and everything else I was doing. I remember feeling stressed and fatigued, but I had a few projects to finish. My intuition kept saying, “Rest.” I’d answer that I’d rest once I’d completed everything, just a few more days….

Then I heard the message, “If you don’t stop, I’m going to force you to stop.”

I gave the same answer, so, sure enough; my body forced me to stop by making me sick. What a lesson!

Ever since that time, I’ve paid attention to what my body tells me about the stress I’m feeling, what my energy levels are, and if my immune system feels compromised. I’ve learned the little signals, personal to me, that tell me what I need to do to help myself. Consequently, I’m rarely ill.

In my work, both as a therapist and as a crisis counselor, I give a lot of my energy to help others heal. Therefore, I need to make sure I replenish my energy.

One of the best ways to take care of your energy is to know if you are an introvert or an extrovert. The way to determine if you’re an introvert or an extrovert is to ask yourself how you replenish your energy. “Do I replenish my energy through solitary activities (reading, writing, gardening, playing on the computer) or through people-oriented activities (going to parties or events, participating in clubs or organizations, or hanging with a group of friends)?

Most people make the mistake of thinking an extrovert is someone with an outgoing personality. Yet, you can be (like me) an outgoing introvert. Or (like most writers) you can be an introvert who’s not comfortable around a lot of people.

Once you know if you’re an introvert or an extrovert, you’ll know what to do to restore your energy. If you’re an introvert, and your extrovert spouse wants you to go to a party, you know that won’t help your energy levels, and in fact might actually deplete them more, even if you enjoy yourself.

As an introvert, it’s important for me to balance my people-oriented work and social activities with solitary time for myself. Otherwise, I’ll drain my energy too much.

What else do I do to keep my energy up?

1. I exercise semi-regularly. I say “semi” because crisis jobs tend to drop into my schedule, disrupting my routine. Also some times in my life, I’m more self-disciplined than others. I keep hand weights at home because on busy days it’s easier to take 20 minutes doing weights at home then to drive to the gym. Other days I do complete weight and cardio workouts at the gym.

2. I try to eat healthy. I say try because I’m too fond of chocolate, cheese, and pizza to be completely healthy. I keep healthy snacks handy that I can grab and eat in the car, such as hard-boiled eggs, apples, yogurts, protein bars, nuts, turkey hot dogs, string cheese. I love salads, but don’t like to make them, so I go to the salad bar at the grocery store and buy a big enough one that lasts for several meals. For each meal, I add avocado and cottage cheese to the salad.

3. I prioritize sleep. I need a LOT of sleep—more than normal. I take naps to make up for not enough sleep at night. I love long naps. Today (Sunday) I sent my boyfriend off by himself to see a “boy” movie, so I could nap without feeling guilty for not spending time with him. Once awake, I had enough energy to write and catch up on some of the tasks I’ve put off this week from fatigue and working long hours.

I’ve also found catnaps to be helpful. In the afternoon, if I doze for a few (two to five) minutes in my chair between clients, I’ll feel refreshed for the rest of the day and long into the evening.

4. I take a novel everywhere I go, so I can read every chance that I have. During a difficult consulting job, I make sure to close the door, take a lunch and read, if only for a few minutes. Another way to refresh.

5. I take vitamins, minerals, Co-Q 10, and salmon oil. On days I feel my immune system dropping, I add a fizzy Airborne tablet to water or green tea, take extra vitamin C, and suck on Zinc lozenges.

6. I try to say no to people or opportunities that I don’t want to do, or that I know will take too much of my energy.

My life still gets away from me sometimes, but by focusing on “self-care,” I manage to maintain my energy level (most of the time) and stay healthy.

Debra Holland received a master’s degree in Marriage, Family, and Child Therapy and Ph.D in Counseling Psychology from USC and is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She is a one-time Golden Heart and a two-time GH finalist.

Dr. Debra is the author of a forthcoming book, Rules of Engagement: How to Have a Boundary Setting Conversation With a Difficult Person.

Visit Dr. Debra at http://www.drdebraholland.com/ and see her latest interview at http://musetracks.wordpress.com/2009/01/12/contest-wisdom-interviews-debra-holland/

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