How NOT to Write in Twelve Hard Steps*
May 13, 2023 by Bethlehem Writers Group in category Apples & Oranges by Marianne H. Donley tagged as coffee, humor, Marianne H Donley, Motivational, writing
All the members of Bethlehem Writers Group are fast at work on the 2023 Bethlehem Writer Roundtable Short Story Award. (Winners will be announced soon.) So we’re rerunning a column from 2017 on How Not to Write in Twelve Hard Steps. We hope you enjoy it.
This was going to be a blog about how to write with a day job.
Unfortunately, writing with a day job is incredibly easy. You simply keep writing material with you at all time. Paper and pencil work as well as an iPad. Then when you find a block of time (like I usually have to wait for that student who never shows up for a scheduled appointment or arriving hours early for my appointment because the 60 freeway is completely and inexplicably free from traffic) you write. After dishes are done and the family is watching reruns on TV, you write. When you awaken hours before the rest of the world, you write. I imagined my whole blog would be one word long:
Write.
That would be the world’s shortest blog. In addition, I suspected I would be preaching to the choir. People who write and have day jobs know this. Who else would care? Maybe, I should blog about something else. But what?
Inspiration struck while I wandered the local bookstore and sipping my venti café mocha I noticed a whole wall of thick serious books on how to write everything from baby picture books to novels to true-crime police procedurals. Stuck in the middle of all this writing information were two thin books on How NOT to Write.
Heck, not even Nora can want to write all day every day. I would have thought there would be a bit more information on how not to write. Constant writing must be some type of mental illness or at the very least a nasty bad habit. Surely, there must be tons of books on breaking such a habit. I looked. There wasn’t. Just two tiny little books all alone in the vast sea of heavy writing advice.
Clearly, not writing was a topic few writers were comfortable discussing. I’m pretty brave. I can handle controversy. I’ll write a blog on how not to write. I could come up with a set of rules. Break new ground. Give out sage advice.
So here it is:
How Not to Write in Twelve Hard Steps. *
1. Pay attention, this is important. Not writing is the hardest work you will ever do. It is not for the faint of heart. Not writing takes planning, dedication, and a tenacity that many writers lack. Don’t try it unless you have the necessary backbone.
2. To not write you must get up early in the morning. The perfect time is 4:30 A.M. but for you sleepy heads 5:00 A.M. will work as well. If you sleep until 8, half the day is gone and you may as well just waste the rest by writing.
3. To not write you must have a full pot of coffee. Dedicated non-writers program their coffee pots so they can start their day with a fresh cup as soon as they leap out of bed. I suspect that tea drinkers can’t help themselves and start writing as soon as the tea bag hits the trash can, so if you really want to not write break your tea drinking habit immediately.
4. To not write you must have an outfit. You can write in your PJs and no one will care. Not writing takes more style, especially if you want to avoid pointed questions about your mental health. Your outfit can’t just be jeans and a tee-shirt unless of course, you’re male. Females must have a complete, color-coordinated outfit with jewelry, makeup, and styled hair. For women, I strongly advise pantyhose and two-inch heels as well. For men, not shaving is NOT an option.
5. To not write you must have a clean office or not-writing space. If your space is messy and cluttered, then you must take the time to make it tidy. Organizing it would be even better. I recommend categorizing all the bookshelves in your house by subject and author. Should you use the kitchen as your office, alphabetizing your spice rack while you’re at it is always an excellent idea. It wouldn’t hurt to get some of those cute little bins for all your rubber bands and paper clips. You should also consider sharpening all your pencils and testing all your pens to see if they still work. However, cleaning the bathroom or doing laundry is a bit excessive. Should you find yourself contemplating such work, just give up and write. Let’s face it if you’re going to work that hard you may as well get some recognition for it. Completing your manuscript and sending it out will, at the very least, get you an RWA Pro pin and a round of applause at the next chapter meeting. Only your mother will notice whether or not you clean the bathroom.
6. To not write you must play computer solitaire until you win. None of that two-game only nonsense; this takes a real commitment. You must win. Four Suit Spider Solitaire is an excellent choice for those truly dedicated to not writing. Less adventuresome types can try the Two Suit version or Free Cell. However, should you select One Suit Spider and not win in 30 seconds or less, well, just don’t tell me. I firmly believe everyone I know is smart enough to get an advanced degree in rocket science if only they had the time. Shattering my world view like that is just plain cruel.
7. To not write you must build into your schedule time for physical exercise. As I mentioned above, not writing is hard work. Drinking coffee, while playing Free Cell, in your spanking clean office, and keeping your outfit stylish is quite emotionally draining. If you are not careful you could actually get bored and open up your WIP. Your whole day of not writing will be shot to heck. Walking around the block, especially if you live on a steep hill should help.
8. To not write, I must caution you, taking two dogs for a walk as your scheduled physical activity will invariably set you right back on the writing path. How you may ask? Two dogs are not going to agree on speed, direction, or when to leave odorous land mines for you to pick up. This lack of coordination on their part will provide comic relief at your expense for your neighbors. If one of them says something like, “Martha, ya got to come see this” while you, of course, are in the middle of the street, tangled up in dog leashes attached to a white dog going North and a black dog going South, juggling three baggies of land mines, a pouch of special doggie treats, the training clicker that supposed to help train the dogs, but actually makes the black dog cry and the white dog sit until he gets to eat all the treats. Well, can plotting this neighbor’s death be far behind? If he’s going to die, you’re going to have to think of a better reason then laughing at you to kill him. Then you’re going to need several characters who also want him dead for equally good reasons, and finally, the proper sleuth and her love interest will just pop right into your head. The next thing you know a whole series will be in the planning stages and you won’t be able to not write for months.
9. To not write you must have a not writing buddy or sponsor. This buddy is someone you can call any time of the day or night whenever that uncontrollable urge to break out Chapter Four and fix it threatens. Your mother or sisters cannot be your not writing buddy. This is considered cheating as it is much too easy to get them chatting and waste valuable not writing time. No, your buddy must be trustworthy and kind and also dedicated to not writing. She must intuitively know when not to ask how you worked out that problem you accidentally but cleverly wrote into Chapter Eight. She should NEVER tell you she’s finished her WIP. She should always know when to invite you to Starbucks for venti mochas or to Nordstrom’s for a good day of shoe shopping. Shoe shopping is, by the way, the only shopping for which you can indulge without guilt.
10. All not writing writers should know that guilt free shoe shopping is a rule. I think it was left over from the Regan administration. Subversive media types, probably male, tried to kill this rule with cruel stories featuring Imelda Marcos and her shoe closet. (Can you imagine the press if she has attended a public event wearing pre-worn shoes? The press coverage would have rivaled the media frenzy surrounding a certain female prosecutor and her new hair cut.) More sensible wisdom prevailed and shoes are officially guilt free. I must point out that as a corollary to this rule, any other type of shopping is not only riddled with real stomach turning guilt, and it requires an actual paycheck. This will naturally require you finish that book, not a good situation for your not writing goals.
11. To not write you should avoid the Internet like the plague, especially emails. Some people think the Internet is the perfect not writing tool. They are sadly mistaken. Consider, if you will, the simple task of checking your emails. You are going to get them from your weak-willed friends who are writing. Those people are unfortunately smart. Good writing ideas follow them around like ants at a picnic and they SHARE. Read one email and you’re going to get enough ideas to keep you writing for the rest of your natural life and that of your youngest child’s. You’ll have to make a pack with the devil just to finish. Really, do you want to risk your immortal soul just for email? And if that wasn’t bad enough, they’ll answer your emails by says, “Gee that idea would make a great (pick one) book, novel, short story, article, online class, workshop.”
12. To not write you should also drop out of all your critiques groups. (See above for the primary reason.) Secondary reason: Every conversation will start with, “So how’s the writing?” You’ll feel guilty. You’ll write. That clever accident in Chapter Eight, they’ll not only fix it, they’ll give you enough material for three sequels, two novellas, and cookbook. You’ll feel guilty. You’ll write.
*This was originally titled Twelve Easy Steps, but someone recently complained that I say everything is easy. She pointed out that if I would just say things were hard she would feel heaps better when she figured out how the heck to do it. When I tell her it’s easy, she gets no sense of accomplishment. Heaven knows I want people to have a real sense of accomplishment when not writing.
Marianne H. Donley makes her home in Pennyslvania with her husband and son. She is a member of Bethlehem Writers Group and Sisters in Crime. When Marianne is NOT not writing, she might be writing short stories, funny romances or quirky murder mysteries, but this could be a rumor.
Books from Bethlehem Writers Group
Alina K. Field May Featured Author
May 8, 2023 by Alina K. Field in category Featured Author, Featured Author of the Month tagged as Alina K. Field, Featured Author of the Month, Regency Romances
Award winning author Alina K. Field earned a Bachelor of Arts Degree in English and German literature, but her true passion is the much happier world of romance fiction. Though her roots are in the Midwest, after six very, very, very cold years in Chicago, she moved to Southern California where she shares a midcentury home with two furry four-legged girls and keeps a dependable stash of lollipops for the munchkins in her life.
She is the author of several Regency romances, including the 2014 Book Buyer’s Best winner, Rosalyn’s Ring. She is hard at work on her next series of Regency romances, but loves to hear from readers!
Books by Alina K. Field
Alina K. Field May Featured Author
May 1, 2023 by Alina K. Field in category Featured Author, Featured Author of the Month tagged as Alina K. Field, Featured Author of the Month, Regency Romances
Award winning author Alina K. Field earned a Bachelor of Arts Degree in English and German literature, but her true passion is the much happier world of romance fiction. Though her roots are in the Midwest, after six very, very, very cold years in Chicago, she moved to Southern California where she shares a midcentury home with two furry four-legged girls and keeps a dependable stash of lollipops for the munchkins in her life.
She is the author of several Regency romances, including the 2014 Book Buyer’s Best winner, Rosalyn’s Ring. She is hard at work on her next series of Regency romances, but loves to hear from readers!
Books by Alina K. Field
An Interview with Jo A. Hiestand and Excerpt from The Low Road
April 19, 2023 by marianne h donley in category Apples & Oranges by Marianne H. Donley, Rabt Book Tours
The McLaren Mysteries
British mystery
Date Published: Sept 19, 2022
About The Low Road
Former police detective Michael McLaren arrives in Scotland, ready to immerse himself in the fun of the Highland Games and to enjoy a holiday with Melanie. But the old saying of plans oft going awry rears its ugly head: Simon Shaw, a member of McLaren’s folk group, dies. Murdered a year to the day following his uncle’s death.
McLaren is determined to find out who killed Simon. Needing justice for his friend is only half of his incentive. He also needs to appease his guilt for suggesting the group sing there in the first place.
As McLaren becomes immersed in the investigation, he wonders if the two deaths are linked, or have to do with the family or their clan. Perhaps Simon’s former wife killed him, bent on revenge more powerful than mere divorce. Or was the killing tied to an old hunt for diamonds? After all, diamonds aren’t only a girl’s best friend. Sometimes they birth greed and murder. And entrap the innocent.
About the Author
Jo A. Hiestand grew up on regular doses of music, books, and Girl Scout
camping. She gravitated toward writing in her post-high school years and
finally did something sensible about it, graduating from Webster University
with a BA degree in English and departmental honors. She writes a British
mystery series (the McLaren Mysteries)—of which three books have
garnered the prestigious N.N. Light’s Book Heaven ‘Best Mystery
Novel’ three years straight. She also writes a Missouri-based cozy
mystery series (The Cookies & Kilts Mysteries, of which “A Trifling
Murder” is the second book) that is grounded in places associated with her camping haunts. The camping is a thing of the past, for the most part, but the music stayed with her in the form of playing guitar and harpsichord, and singing in a folk group. Jo carves jack o’ lanterns badly and sings loudly. She loves barbecue sauce and ice cream (separately, not together), kilts (especially if men wear them), clouds and stormy skies, and the music of G.F. Handel. You can usually find her pulling mystery plots outof scenery—whether from photographs or the real thing.
Contact Links
An Interview with Author Jo A. Hiestand
Tell us about your 2023 projects.
I have only a few right now. At the moment, I’m halfway through the first draft of a new McLaren mystery. It’s titled “The Cottage”. He’s in Cumbria, England, helping his love-interest pack for her move south to Derbyshire, to buy a house in his village. While he’s there, a woman asks him to investigate the cold case murder of her parents. He’s caught between wanting to find the killer (McLaren is a former police detective who is very keen on catching killers) and wanting to help his lady love.
When that book is finished, I need to start writing “Crumbs of Defeat,” the fourth book in my Cookies & Kilts series, a cozy series set in the mid-Missouri town of Beaudin Trace. My protagonist, pet bakery owner Kate Dunbar, enters the town’s annual bake-off contest. The contestant at the neighboring table is making life in general difficult for Kate because the woman says Kate is a pro and, therefore, should be disqualified from the contest. The judges disagree. Needless to say, after a bit, the contestant winds up dead, and Kate is suspected of the murder.
Probably at the beginning of the summer “Overdue,” another McLaren mystery audiobook, will be recorded and up on Audible and Amazon for sale. Callum Hale, my narrator, has won the “best narrator of the year” award and helped my book “Hide and Seek” attain “best audiobook of the year.” He’s an actor who lives in London, and he can do most any British accent that I need, a really amazingly talented chap. His current offering, the audio edition of “The Low Road,” has already racked up impressive reviews. He might get another book out toward the end of the year. That one will probably be “Related By Murder,” but we’ll see if he has time for that—the holidays might get in the way!
After the audiobook of “Overdue” comes out this summer, I will probably have time in the autumn to plot a romantic suspense book. I’ve not written one before, so it may prove I’m out of my comfort zone! And might turn out to be an utter flop! But I’d like to give it a try. Something different. I have the kernel of a plot, but characters and title elude me for the moment. Not a problem, right?
What preparation did you do for the launch of your book?
For “The Low Road” I posted a very simple question that needed answering. Contestants found it on my website (www.johiestand.com). They had to read a few paragraphs from the story, then answer a question – the answer was found in the excerpt. They emailed me their answers, and I did a drawing for the winners. I had four winners. The prizes were things associated with the story, which takes place during a Highland Games event in Scotland—a beautiful quaich, several silver bangle bracelets and a rose quartz necklace, a silver and jade necklace, and a Luckenbooth thistle brooch. In addition to that PR event, I made my usual book trailer and posted that on my Facebook page and on my YouTube channel. I’m doing some virtual book tours—review tours, also—and highlighting the book at a local Highland Games event I will attend in May.
What still excites you about writing?
This is a tough question! So many things. But probably the thing I like best is creating the storyline. I love my characters, the protagonists and secondary ones, both—and I like putting them in situations and seeing how they will fare. Along the way, in my McLaren mysteries, I add little bits of history, if called for, or touches of Celtic myths, like the McLaren clan mermaid legend in “The Low Road.” I love describing the areas for the various scenes, and hope I can set my readers down in the places and that they will think it is as beautiful or mystical or tension filled as I do. I like seeing my characters change during the course of the series—either for better or worse. McLaren has gone from being a near-hermit in book one, to losing his finance thru murder in book six, to finding someone to love in book eight, and now we’re watching that romance slowly develop. I don’t know if he’ll marry Melanie, but it’s possible! A character changing for the worse is McLaren’s long-time nemesis, Charlie Harvester, who was a detective inspector (as was McLaren) in the same Constabulary. Throughout his appearance in ten books, we see their animosity develop, learn what caused it, see Harvester’s attempts at retaliation, his mental problem, and finally his demise.
What’s been most challenging for you in your writing?
Research, without a doubt. I can look up most things online, and I’m a stickler for getting things right. Nothing irritates me more than sloppy research. Mistakes are jarring, and yank the reader out of the story if they know what is correct. Some mistakes can’t be avoided, but I try to get things correct: types of fish found in the Mississippi River near St Louis, MO; moonrise time in October in Scotland; what British Army regiments fought in the Netherlands in WWII; age range for British soldiers fighting in the Falklands War and types of service medals awarded; what distinguishes a British barrister from a British solicitor, and what’s the difference in their duties, education, and how their cases are appointed; breeds of dogs and their personalities. Things like that. Some answers I have a difficult time getting, no matter how much I search online. When that happens, I cross my fingers and choose what I think sounds reasonable. But I try my hardest to get things correct. Most of the places I write about come from my own experience, so I can describe those well, but there again, I do plop down fictitious roads and such in my stories, so I can always blame mistakes on my invention!
Do you have any advice for aspiring authors?
About the best thing I ever heard, and what I’d like to pass on, is to not give up. It is so easy to get discouraged. Rejection is hard to take. Unless you’re the next JK Rowling, or Diana Gabaldon, or Stephen King, you might not get a huge book contract with your first book. Most of us struggle for years to get any type of notice from the reading public. It’s a long and hard process, but if you quit, you’ll never achieve your dream. So, please keep writing and submitting.
Do you ever run out of ideas? If so, how did you get past that?
I still have book ideas, and I’ve written thirty-three books to date. I have ideas I know will never materialize into books, and I have ideas for several McLaren mysteries that I’ll get to in the near future. I’ve had ideas for an historical series, but I know that will never happen because I’m fearful of getting something wrong, like saying so-and-so was using a Colt revolver in 1800 but the gun wasn’t developed until 1835. I have enough problems with plotting and keeping my characters in line without adding to my potential errors!
Thanks for hosting me today, and allowing me to chat with your readers. I hope it’s been interesting for them! Jo
An Excerpt
The Low Road
Jo A. Hiestand
“Mike, would you do me a favor?”
“If I can, of course. What?”
“Take the day off.”
“The day off?“
Melanie poured some milk into her tea and stirred it. The spoon made soft clinking sounds as it tapped against the china. “We could walk up the hill in Balquhidder, the one that’s associated with your clan. I’d love to see that. Or we could go into Callander, if you’d rather play the tourist. It’s also drowning in history. Or,” she added, her voice growing excited, “we could drive up to the Holy Pool. I’d very much like to see that. Maybe take a sack lunch and then drive north to Glencoe.” She hesitated, looking as if she shouldn’t have made the suggestions.
“I’d love to do those things with you.”
She smiled, grabbing his hand.
“But just not now. We’ll do our sightseeing when I’ve nabbed my friend’s killer.”
Melanie withdrew her hand, her smile fading. Nodding, she shifted her gaze and concentrated on her meal.
“I’ll be back today for tea. We can talk then. We’ll map out what we want to do…afterwards.” He cleared his throat, sensing things weren’t going too well between them. “After breakfast, you can think of things for us to do, and we’ll spend the evening together.”
She picked up her fork.
“I’m sorry, Melanie. I didn’t plan on our time up here to be like this. When I suggested coming to the Games I thought we would be spending the entire week together. I thought we would have a dinner with Nick, Colin and Simon, maybe drive over to Loch Lomond or up to Loch Ness, perhaps take in a concert or art exhibit in Stirling…” His voice broke off as she attacked the fish and hacked it into chunks. “Give me another day or two. I should be finished in two days…tops. Then we’ll do whatever you would like. A drive up the Great Glen road or take a boat to the Hebrides. You’ll love the islands.” He eyed her. She still didn’t look at him. “Please understand, De¾” He paused, catching himself in time. He had nearly called her Dear Heart. He took a breath, finishing with, “Please understand. I urged Simon to come here. I wish to hell I hadn’t, that I hadn’t accepted the performance invitation in the first place, but I did. And look what happened.”
She laid down the utensils and looked at him. “Mike¾”
“I know the police are working on it but that’s not enough for me. It’s too slow. The nerk might get away.” He wadded up the table napkin, his fingers practically strangling it. “It’s my fault he came. If he’d stayed home…” He took a breath, a vein in his neck throbbing. “I’m responsible for his death. I have to solve this, to avenge his passing.” His voice had risen, emphasizing his need and emotions. “Please don’t be cross. I… I couldn’t stand it if you were angry with me.”
She looked up, giving him a faint smile. “I’m not cross, Mike. I’m just…disappointed. Mainly in myself. I do this all the time. I envision something in the future, have myself convinced whatever it is will be exactly as I assume it will be, and then I’m frustrated and let down that it hasn’t turned out like my vision. It’s no one’s problem but mine. I shouldn’t do this, but I do. It’s as natural as breathing to me.” She slid her hand around his neck and pulled him close to her so that their faces were just inches apart. “We’ll have years yet of playing tourists together. I understand you need to find Simon’s killer. You won’t be fit to live with until you’ve caught him.”
“I’m sorry, Melanie. It’s the way I am. I can’t change. If I see someone in trouble, some injustice¾”
“I know. That’s one of the things I like about you. Now.” She touched his cheek. “Go on.”
He laid his fingers beneath her chin, tilted her face up, and kissed her on the forehead. He grabbed his leather jacket and left without looking back.
Fighting back the tears, she laid down her napkin and ran up the stairs to her room.
The McLaren Mysteries
British mystery
Date Published: Sept 19, 2022
Release Day for Dark Wine at Dawn
April 18, 2023 by marianne h donley in category Spotlight tagged as A Hill Vampire Novel, Book 9, Dark Wine At Dawn, Jenna Barwin, Release Day
Happy Release Day for Jenna Barwin’s Dark Wine at Dawn, the ninth book in her Hill Vampire Novel Series.
Dark Wine at Dawn
Jenna Barwin
How many ways can a Christmas vacation go wrong?
On their first vacation together, Henry and Cerissa travel to the New York so Henry may renew the vampire bond with his maker, Anne-Louise—he has no choice in the matter—but after the bond’s renewed, he plans to spend two weeks playing tourist with Cerissa.
But when Anne-Louise offers him a way to escape the maker-child bond forever, what she demands in exchange for his release is beyond the pale, and it turns Henry and Cerissa’s much-needed vacation into a battleground.
To make matters worse, mortals start popping up dead—and staying that way. Based on circumstantial evidence, the security chief for the New York vampires arrests both Henry and Anne-Louise for conspiracy to murder.
Cerissa must move into overdrive and use her skills analyzing vampire DNA to prove Henry’s innocence. Because if she doesn’t succeed before dawn arrives, this trip to New York may be his last.
Other Books by Jenna Barwin
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DARK WINE AT MIDNIGHT
To save humanity, a reluctant spy must convince a handsome vampire to trust her, despite the dark secrets each carries, and the mutual attraction they can’t resist.
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